Happenings.

Bear with me folks.

This summer has been a rough one clearly and I'm still not quite myself.

However, I have shit on my mind homies.

First one is that Uniballer and I went to the West Seattle Farmer's Market on Sunday.

I haven't been to a Farmer's Market in probably let's be fair and say about 15 years.

My first impression was wow, I'm still a budding/forming foodie and I was overwhelmed at first. It's not a huge market but there is really so much stuff.

I noticed a few other things as well but first a little food related squeeing.

I learned a lot.

For instance.

I learned that Aubergines come in colors that are well other than aubergine. No really I did not know that, there were white ones and some tie dye looking purple and white ones. They were so pretty.

There was also some gorgeous meat and some cheese that knocked Uniballer and I out.

Now one of the other things I noticed right away was a dearth of people of color. That particular neighborhood, right there I know there are people of color there, and I was left wondering if they are going to the market?

However, a lot of them are probably not because a lot of the people of color in the area are like myself and are fairly poor. I myself will not be going very often either because frankly it's really fucking expensive.

This is one of those things.

While I can get behind the idea of eating locally sourced foods yadda yadda, the economic reality is that 80-85% of the people I know personally just can't afford that. Being that there are only two of us, if Uniballer and I did some major scrimping and saving we might be able to eat "ethically".

Frankly, despite what an awesome idea I think it is to support local farmers and creators of these delicious noms, for people like Uniballer and I (average poo working class folks) it just is not gonna happen.

I really hate it when people lecture me about how important it is to support whatever without giving a thought to the realities of being poor people in America. People will chirp merrily, "well just save up" (this ESPECIALLY pisses me off when it comes to clothes) like it's no thing.

Uh really?

So it should be an easy decision for me to drop say 65$ on a dress or shirt. 65$ that could realistically feed Uniballer and I quite well for more than a week?

Or that would pay in it's entirety my phonebill for two months?

My point here is that a lot of us poor folks see expenditures like over say 30-35$ (And frankly I'm being generous/over estimating) for a single thing, or something that won't last awhile as being a big fucking deal.

My bigger point here is that before you decide to lecture someone about what kind of food they buy, or where they shop be mindful that a lot of these things are not strictly moral/ethical issues for a lot of us and there are serious class and economics issues.

Be mindful.

I'm not requesting anything super crazy but don't get so wrapped up in your cause that you forget that there are human beings involved.

For me personally I try to exercise this a lot.

I try very hard not to get instantly angry when these things come up in my life. It's taken me a lot of personal work to learn to just tell people something like, "That's great for you but not for me." And if they care I sometimes will explain.

So to speak more concretely, if you find out I buy groceries at Walmart or Grocery Outlet and that I rarely if ever buy locally, don't get all in my grill about it.

If you hear me being unhappy that a cute dress is 75$, don't lecture me about plus size folks being willing to pay more for yadda yadda. That's awesome if you can afford it, I myself cannot. Not just cannot I will not. I can't justify to myself that kind of expenditure when it's not a good pair of shoes that will last me forever (as in my Docs that were about that much and will last me for a long long time) or bills.

And a few pictures from Sunday.

Before that though I don't know what's coming up/what I can do without over taxing myself like I did on Sunday. Hours of strolling about with Uniballer left me so exhausted on Sunday I couldn't stand myself.

I've been in a weird place with this little blog here. I have so many things on my mind I've got a bit of trouble staying organized. Things are settling down though and I'm feeling not quite like I want to throw myself under a train every time I cough. So there is stuff coming I just don't know what yet.

And now, fotos of awesome. Click to embiggen and read more about them.







Now my darlings, again I say tell me what's new and fabulous. What's bugging you? What did you have for dinner today?

Homo Out.

Stumble It!

Awake.

I am finally starting to not feel quite so sick. This cold/flu/ebola whatever I've had is fucking bullshit man.

However I must admit a few things.

Okay confess is a better word for it.

Generally speaking I only really rest the first couple of days I'm sick.

I'm terribly dumb that way. I go to work if I'm not contagious, I go about my regular life. Which sometimes can be a huge detriment.

For instance.

Sometimes I forget to eat.

Often I'm engrossed in other things, or not thinking about it and don't realize oh HAY I should eat something until my blood sugar takes a nosedive and I feel randomly pissed off or otherwise not good.

This is not good for me for a variety of reasons.

Being that I am a visibly fat person, all too often people encourage this and it maddens me to no end. It's not just your regular bullshit "diet" advice and/or kudos, when I raised a concern about it and wanted some medical advice on how to deal with it the doctor I was seeing at first didn't believe me (cause yes, I'm still a fatty) and then encouraged me to not quite skip meals but, go with my non recognition of hunger.

The fuck?

Yes she was serious.

Now with no big pimping medical degree I can tell you that habitually skipping meals can fuck up your metabolism, contribute to headaches, and you just don't feel good.

Why would anyone who claims to give a shit (otherwise known as the concern trolling hereabouts in the Fatosphere) advocate something that they know goddamn well is really fucking bad for you?

Quite frankly, it pisses me the fuck off that I had to go off and do the research myself without medical support to work on this.

I got entirely off of the point I was going to make.

In other news.

I keep seeing some things on my friends list on LJ that bug me that I'm not entirely certain what I should/can do.

I read the journals of some ladies who are quite thin and involved in very looks based industries. I understand that sometimes we all feel fat but, feeling fat and actually being fat are two different things.

I don't know any of the women well and I often have to scroll quickly by and shake my head. It's old hat and tiring.

Not to mention there's often ewwwwwwwwww fat (insert man/woman/whatever here) and fuck sake really?

I believe a pruning of my lj friendslist/people I read needs a good pruning as does who I follow on twitter.

I have neither the time nor energy to be the Educating Fat Negress when it comes to these things.

And I got distracted again.

This is my big clue that I'm still unwell, my concentration sucks.

Since I'm rambly anyway I'll just go with it. No use in fighting my brain.

OH before I forget my homie of awesome Mollena has some awesome writing news. I say..FUCKING SWEEEEEEEEEEET!

Someday I would be very down to be making a similar announcement.

Speaking of writing (check how smoove that was folks) I have already started my essays. YAY. I may have to push back a release until March (round my birthday)because I really want to take my time with it. I want to be sure to produce some stellar shit my homies.

Okay it's almost time for me to leave work and I'm very tired. There will be some new pictures sometime soon since I a.)found my camera case and b.) got new batteries for said camera.

So more as I recover and become more human like.

I love you guys. Feel free to use the comments to tell me what's new and fabulous in your lives, get some fancy drawers? Did you have some awesome sex? Get a new sex toy or pair of shoes? Tell me all about it my homies.

Homo Out.

PS..Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck my sexytimes advice entry got all sorts of borkd when I did it, I should not try to give advice while tanked on Nyquil. There WILL be a redo.

Stumble It!

Oh hell to the no.

I mentioned last week that I've been sick.

I've not just been a little ill but really fucking sick as in I missed three days of work and have done litte more than take cold medication and sleep.

Now I have had to go out on and off and being so congested makes me more easily winded than normal. To be expected of course.

So as I was breathing a little heavily and standing waiting for the light to change this woman decided it was a good time to preach to me about being fat, never ever exercising and see that's what you get when you "let yourself go".

Normally I can let that sort of thing roll right off of my back but, being sick and ill tempered I gave her big piece of my mind.

I don't recall exactly what I said but, she went away red faced and probably a bit ashamed of herself.

Being that I don't remember exactly what I said I'll reform some of my opinions.

First of all, the assumption that fat is the absolute antithesis of "health" and "fitness" is erroneous. No links do your own fucking research.

I put health and fitness in quotes because there is no evidence I've ever come across that supports the idea that there is a single standard for either of those things.

For instance.

There was a time when I worked out 3-4 hours a day 7 days a week. I did that no matter what. I wholeheartedly believed that in order to be a "healthy fit person" this is what I had to do. I started out exercising about an hour a day 3-5 times a week but because my body did not look the way "fitness" looks in mainstream media, I increased the time and effort I put in.

My goal (through diet and serious hardcore exercise) was to end up looking like a smaller bigger boob having Terminator 2 (wasn't it?)Linda Hamilton. I wanted mid-late 90's era Janet Jackson Abs. I wanted an ass so tight that bouncing quarters off of it could prove dangerous. And I did what doctors and magazines tell us to do.

I radically altered my diet, I lifted weights, I ran, I did squats, I did yoga and yet my body did not become that icon of fitness.

Months of excrutiating hard work later, my body was smaller yes. Yes I was thinner but I was not hard bodied. I did not have the 8 pack abs of my dreams, my ass still jiggled, I still had round cheeks, I still had big thighs. I still had fat. And I hated my body. I felt betrayed by my body and I hated it.

Not only was my self esteem in the shitter but, I was really damaging myself.

The diet I had myself on was causing me to have low blood sugar related brown outs and near faints. I was forgetting things, easily angered. Cold all the time.

And the exercise that my doctor at the time was encouraging was causing my knees to deteriorate more no matter what kind of shoes I bought. I spent hundreds of dollars on fancy cross trainers and nothing helped. Most days as the intensity of my exercise increased I would be visibly limping by the end of the day.

I hurt myself doing every ab exercise in the book.

I stressed myself out doing yoga because even then I fucking hated it.

At the time the first person to ever explain to me the idea that fitness and health don't look the same and aren't achieved in the same ways for everyone was a lady bodybuilder I'd become friends with. She sat me down and we made a list of all the ways I was feeling pain, then we made another list of the good things that were going on and the bad outweighed the good.


I took that list to my doctor (at the time I thought my doctor would in fact be of great help) and she dismissed it. When I questioned her she gave me one of those no pain no gain speeches, congratulated me on my (too) rapid weightloss and dismissed pretty much everything else I said.

Things that I felt were becoming serious problems she dismissed as just things that happen when you haven't exercised. However I had been exercising regularly for a long time at that point and it wasn't that kind of thing.

She was the first doctor I fired.

After that though my friendship with the lady bodybuilder led me to some new friends who helped me form my early ideas about Body Acceptance. In the end that bullshit I went through really helped me out.

The bottom line is that from experience and from knowing a lot of different kinds of people I have learned that health and fitness are what you make it.

As for the sort of person who sparked this, I really have no use for them.

It's flawed at best to assume that you can know without a doubt (as fat haters and health moralists tend to present their arguments) how a person eats, what their fitness level is etc by simply how they look.

It's a rarity in my experience that people will level the same accusations at people who aren't visibly fat.

It's a rarity in my experience that anyone ever harasses a visibly thin looking person to "put down the fork" or "put down the cupcakes".

When it comes to food, foods that cause you some degree of harm in the long run will do it for everyone not just fat people.

That said, I do not believe that food choices are moral imperatives.

If you want to align your food choices with your own personal morality that is just fine with me, however being that my morals are not your morals don't badger me to do the same as long as it falls in line with your beliefs.

I still have difficulty sometimes understanding why people make these things so complicated.

It boils down to this for me.

You do you, I'll do me and we'll all be just fine.

Now I'm very tired, I don't feel well and I need to eat something.

Sexytimes advice this week and some more fatshion. And perhaps something about race that has been percolating in my brain. All this barring a relapse in sickness.

I love you guys. Be nice to yourselves.

Homo Out.

Stumble It!

Okay, I give in.

First of all this is take three of this entry. Blogger keeps nomming what I have to say.

This is an indication today is not a good day for ranting.

Instead let me say this J, you made me cry thank you. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.

Now I have a headcold that has descended to settle in my ears and sinus cavities in the last four hours so bear with me k?

I want to tell you how grateful I am for you guys.

I have been writing for a long, long time. For a long time I was afraid to write non-fiction because I did not believe I had anything that people want or need to hear, and I quite frankly did not believe in my own voice.

After a few years of online journaling at the now dead Diary-x, and then right here I started to realize that sometimes my weird ways of saying things, and my penchance towards stabby hippiness, is not as dumb as I thought it was.

It never mattered what "trolls" or other people bent on harassment said (and continue to say) I learned to own the fact that some people are going to hate every word that comes out of my mouth a long time ago.

As I've gotten older what really matters to me are people who may or may not be just like me, every time one of you tells me that something I said made you smile or say fuck yeah or just shake your head really matters to me.

It matters to me right in my soul because I do really care about people (no matter how much I may bitch about them sometimes) and I want us all to be okay. And when I can do some small part to help you feel okay, that does my soul good.

When it comes to writing true things, I don't like to write them just to have something to say, I'm not like that face to face and I don't like being that way on the internets. I want to think that, if I am speaking from my heart (even if I feel fucked up about it) that yes, it needs to be said.

And I have you all and your wonderful notes and comments to thank for my growing confidence in my own true creations.

Because of you all cheering me on and telling me FUCK YES and asking me questions that make me think, I am growing as a writer which, is ultimately the most important thing in the world to me.

So thank you.

And thank you and thank you.

I don't even know -how- to express the level of gratitude and thankfulness I feel. I just don't know how.

Yes I am even grateful for the trolls and haters, for the people who make fun of me, who snark on me.

So in light of these things I have been doing some serious thinking and I think after I am done with my erotica chapbook I might like to do a small collection of non-fiction. essays about sex and fatness and all the other shit I talk about here.

My medication is wearing off or not working at all so I'm gonna wrap this up.

But, really.

I love you guys. All of you, so much. Thank you my homies and haters for being who you are.

Homo Out.

Stumble It!

Full of projects.

Oh my darlings.

I've been toiling trying to put together some new pages here at NudiemuseHQ.

Ultimately I'd like to make a page with adultsexytimes links, blogs, fatty fashions, make up etc but holy balls you guys, my coding skills are not win lately.

Some of those will be yes affiliate links but I will totally warn you first.

So there's that.

I'm also working on some personal stuff.

I've got some issues I'm still (always?) working on in regards to body image and I kinda wanna take y'all on the road with me for this but at the same time I'm a wee bit nervous. I'm thinking about doing some more self portraits (I've been practicing y'all) but I want some more that have more to say.

I'm also kind of at a loss as to what to do with them.

I'm thinking maybe a tumblr? It seems like that would go well with what I am envisioning.

I want to be more courageous in not just making the photographic appearance when I'm feeling hot and sassy. I hate that and I hate that I've been doing it.

I really do hate the pretension that one must always be fly in pictures/on teh internets.

Fuck that.

this is one of those things that is really difficult for me to fight with myself about.

I know what I want to do, I know how I want to be but the getting there is fucking stressful and hard. Fuck it's hard.

Not to mention I hate being inauthentic to myself.

If I look at myself or something I'm saying or doing feels fake I get really upset.

In honor of that let's talk about a couple of things that are absolutely the truth.

1.) I am not always fly or awesome. Sometimes I can be a complete asshole. Sometimes, I am not awesome at all. Sometimes I'm mean. And that's okay.

2.) Sometimes I am highly doubtful that I have found a place for myself in the world. Also I am sometimes really afraid that despite my efforts, that I am doing everything all wrong.

3.) I am fucked up. I have issues. And that's okay.

4.) The biggy? I'm human.

Shocking isn't it?

I am terribly, awesomely human and in that lay every one of my foibles and whatnot.

I'm so human that sometimes I really get down on myself. Sometimes I'm a total fucker to myself. Sometimes I'm a total fucker to other people. And you know what? I could dwell but I won't, it happens.

One of the hardest lessons that I am continually learning is to not get so upset that I am in fact human and I'm gonna fuck up a lot. It's what humans do.

Okay my darlings. Back to work.

Tomorrow moar sexytimes advice.

Both a how to get more turned on question and more blowjob questions.

And Sinner, you deliciousness are welcome to come back and offer man advice anytime. :)

Now I'm off to contemplate the aforementioned photo project and get more serious about it. ANd maybe I might yanno start on that coding that is staring at me.

Homo Out.

Stumble It!

Fessing up.

Okay I know I said I was back and I was pretty raring to go until two things happened simultaneously and I took myself out of the game and into a little bit of hiding.

First thing was the record high temperatures here in WA.

In general I am very lizard like with my love of heat. If I could have just sat outside somewhere during the whole heat wave, like a half asleep lizard just aborbing the heat I would have been fine and happy.

However my partner Uniballer and I live in an apartment, in an old concrete building, on the third floor. All of this together means our apartment got so hot.

It was so hot in our apartment several days last week I would start sweating pretty much the second I walked inside. Fans could not defeat it and we were both miserable.

So there was that.

Added with my ever present (more on that in a little bit) insomnia and wow.

Recipe for sickly feeling+extra crazy.

So the insomnia. I have suffered varying degrees of insomnia since childhood. I was a kid who would after being put to bed at whatever time lay there trying to be good and go to sleep for hours. I've seen more sunrises when i wasn't working graveyard shift than I care to admit. It's bad enough that I have been hospitalized a few times, I have hallucinated.

So yeah.

Now it often takes me a long time to fall asleep and that's no biggie. It's when I start getting into actual sleep deprivation territory that I have problems.

Last week I was okay until about Weds. And when I say okay I mean, that my cognitive skills weren't too bad, my balance was okay and I wasn't shaking. But I wasn't really in a good frame of mind to blog anything.

My parents took me to the doctor about my sleeping problems early on when I was a kid and between then and now I've tried everything from prescription drugs, homeopathy, yoga, etc and not much really works without problems.


And here is why I tend to keep quiet about it for the most part.

After my disastrous bouts with trying to be thin. I had doctors convince me that all my sleep problems were related to the weight I started gaining after I stopped exercising compulsively.

These days my weight is stable and I'm fairly healthy. My health problems are the same problems that I've had my entire life fat and thin and inbetween. And at some point in the last few years I just got tired of arguing with doctors about it.

This is one of those things where I came to the conclusion a long time ago that altering my weight won't fix it.

It can be a fucked up thing to realize.

This all leads me to a few other A-ha moments.

Until recently I was still holding out a little hope that yes indeed, if I lost some weight my knees wouldn't hurt anymore. I wouldn't have back spasms anymore and everything would be hunky dory fine and dandy.

I had to sit myself down and really think about it.

If I don't take into consideration my issues. Fatigue caused by sleep disorders (yes I have several that I was diagnosed with), my already none too great joints and start exercising the amount that it would take for me to lose and maintain the loss of say a 25 pound weight loss, I would in the end be more fucked up than I was to begin with.

I have to remind myself of that everytime I go days without decent sleep. I have to fight myself not to start playing that record in my head. I have to fight myself not to go ahead and start running again or getting up four hours early so I can work out for two hours.

Even I who am pretty damn happy with my body struggles.

For me it's not so much about looks as it is expectations. And my body tends to fall short of my own expectations and it guts me.

So yeah that's where I've been and what's been up.

Hopefully barring further sleep fuckery I can get back to my normal programming because this sleep deprivation shit is for the fucking birds my darlings. For the birds.

Homo Out.

Also PS..I almost didn't post this because I don't want anyone to think I'm a whiny douchebag and.or feel undue pity.

Stumble It!

Not what you think it is.

Okay this has little to do with fat or sex.

But people are pissing me off lately.

This is about the First Amendment in the US.

This is the first amendment.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

It never fails that people when they are revving up to say something stupid invariably squawk about it's my right, blablablabla.

Now if you read that carefully no where does it say that Uncle Sam will protect you from your own big mouth.

I fully support and defend freedom of speech. I fully and truly believe you can say whatever the fuck you wanna.

You can shout it from the rooftops.

You can paint it on your forehead and march down the street.

I fully support that.

Fully.

However, no where in the First Amendment does it say that your ass will be protected once you show it.

By which I mean, the First Amendment does not protect you from the consequences of your own actions.

If you want to say something hateful, go right on ahead.

However don't bitch when you get called out on it.

Because as you are probably well aware, Freedom of Speech doesn't just mean Freedom of Speech from people who agree with you.

So if you want to say whatever you wanna, be prepared.

Put your cup on or your super shielding pussy protector because someone is gonna want to kick you in your lady or manballs.

Not literally, metaphorically.

No I don't think people should be assaulted.

Stay with me.

Say it with me, If I run my mouth I will probably get caught.

Rinse.

Repeat.

Sexytimes tomorrow I've had a hard day at work.

Homo Out.

Also, further explanation of today's cranky is possible at a later date.

Stumble It!

Everybody is doing it.

So much sexy sexy and so little time. I had planned on doing one big sexytimes advice thingy but, I want to pay closer attention.

First up we have an update from our darling virgin from this entry. (I am right aren't I?) Has been having some sex. I was assured that they were safe and had a good time.

FUCK YES.

Can we do a group happy dance?

Okay.

My now doing it homie I will answer both of your questions on Thursday or Friday.

Now from Cupcake we have this excellent question:

I'm a virgin, but I consider myself to have a fairly high sex drive, and masturbate fairly regularly. Something I've noticed, however, is that after my first one or two orgasms, it becomes more difficult to orgasm, and if I want to have another, holding my breath until I almost pass out seems to help me orgasm.

I've heard of autoerotic asphyxiation, and know a little bit about that, but first I wanted to put the question out there: is it common for most people to achieve difficult orgasms by withholding their breath? A great majority of my friends are sexually active, but it's not a question I'm comfortable asking them, so I turn to you, <3

I love you too Cupcake.

And from a Nameless Peenhavinghomie I got a very similar question that he requested I don't post verbatim.

Okay babies check it out.

Breathe in my universe is a serious part of orgasm one way or the other.

Not to get into super super specifics but the short answer is yes, lots of people hold their breathe in order to get to that next or even their first orgasm.

I personally am naturally inclined to do that but I've learned over the years that I will most likely just give myself a headache doing that so I (aside from over the years spending lots of time having at myself) tried altering my breathing instead.

For some people, hyperventilating themselves is the way to go. After your first orgasm try easing up on the stimulation and taking long deep breaths from your diaphragm as if you're about to sing or yell.

Now when you are not with a partner I really strongly suggest not doing any kind of breath denial play with yourself. I don't think it's a good idea at all.

You can also experiment with breathing patterns. Short breaths for however long, then a few long ones etc.

Or you can actually try instead of increasing stimulation and pressure while you're masturbating ease up for awhile and let your body recover.

Indulge yourself during your refractory period. Maybe during that time frame focus on different kinds of stimulation. Play with your nipples, or whatever other skin feels appealing and go back to it.

I think the important thing is to figure out different ways to pleasure your particular body. Both of you, Cupcake and my Peenhavinghomie respectively.

The upshot here is that while I do think breath play is fun I do think that it's not a safe thing to do by yourself. I also think that if you're not having sex with a partner there is no better time to teach yourself different ways of achieving orgasms and thus you'll be super prepared for your partners.

SO my prescription is as follows for both of you and for everyone else.

Masturbate a lot.

Touch yourself in new and exciting ways.

Work it out.

Report back.

Okay my homies I've had a busy day. Thursday look forward to talk about blowjobs, new lovers and oh yes, more sexytimes advice.

So this means I'm back and feelin pretty awake and awesome.

Allergies and joints are still being fuckers but meh.

OH and before I go I'm a featured author at Outside Writers today and I am really proud of this piece go read it here.

Goodnight darlings.

Homo Out.

Stumble It!

No wait I'm still alive.

First and foremost, MCCN I will email you later but you are so awesome. For real so awesome.

Pics of what I'm talking about up there tomorrow probably.

Also I know I owe some sexytimes advice but my brain has not been going in that direction.

I had a whole other entry planned but over at Living ~400 lbs her entry sparked something else in my head.

So in case you're new or don't know I have some knee and back issues. I've had both for a good part of my life at this point and they are getting worse with age.

Despite those issues I have an overwhelming and sometimes emotionally gut wrenching need to do certain physical things. Namely belly dancing.

So lately my desperate want to dance has led me to a few aha moments.

Me being who I am, I have a hard time not forcing my body to do things. Doesn't matter what it is, if I feel like I should be able to do something I will do it often to my own detriment.

I am realizing that despite my attention to the ability (or lack of) in others I utterly refuse myself the same treatment.

I have done it since I was little and am just now (32 years old mind you) that I should probably not do that.

So to put it a tad more simply when it comes to me talking to myself I am an ableist dick.

I've started keeping better track of my knee and back pain and have noticed quite a trend.

I almost always trot at a good clip up stairs. I do it on my toes quick like a bunny.

If I have a choice between an inclined walk and a flat one, I almost always take the inclined one.

During this same choice, I noticed that if my knees or back hurt instead of slowing my pace I go faster.

I wouldn't do this to my partner Uniballer who has some mobility issues, I wouldn't do it to anyone else ever so why the fuck am I doing it to myself?

And doing it constantly?

The only thing I really know how to do is to get tough with myself.

If I want to dance I have to stop the other bullshit so I don't hurt myself. I've been working on it but fuck it's hard. It's so goddamn hard.

So yeah that is what is going on in the body of Shannon right now. Aside from the usual menstrual uterus area pain and ladyballs soreness.

In other non angsty news I'm designing some stickers with some of the sayings that I like and/or made up myself.

Um.

Also I'm writing a lot lately hence the sporadic posting. I'm working on a couple of SuperSeekrit writing projects that are taking up most of my brain space.

I think that's it. Swearsies sexytimes advice this week my homies.

Homo Out.

Stumble It!

Hustlin' Hustlin'

Sexy advice tomorrow because I have two awesome questions that are along the same theme and I need to do some research before answering the second.

Lately I've had a burning desire to make more things.

More things.

I want to make gothy b affordable accessories. Hair toys and things that aren't amazingly overpriced.

I want to make some fattie friendly stuff.

I want to make stuff that's cheap but not so cheap that the shit falls apart after you wear it once. I don't want to make cheap shit that pulls hair.

Generally speaking the big hold up at this point involves several things. A.) Financially it's a rough summer. Just because of how paychecks happen to fall there's not a lot extra after rent and bills to buy supplies. This will ease up coming into fall. B.) I am afraid. What am I afraid of I'm not sure. Not necessarily of failing but there's some unnamed fear there. I'm working it out. C.)This is the huge one, time.

In the meantime I've been toying with Cafepress but I don't really like what I'm doin there. It seems a bit over priced to me which is not awesome.

The one thing I'm into is the stickers. I love stickers and I made this one. I like nerdy things and stickers are among them. I've got some body positive ones in the works but I am no graphic artist and it's hard.

All that said I have some actual content today.

We need to talk about Beth Ditto.

I was not all into the Gossip the first time I heard them or laid eyes on her.

That was until I started seeing pictures of Ms Ditto doing crazy things, being *OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO* in her drawers on stage etc.

She won me over.

The fact is, I love people who are working what they've got.

I love her because she is not fly all the time and she seems (granted I don't know her personally but in general she seems fine with that fact.

Unlike a lot of young celebrities instead of coming out apologizing for being nutty or fat or showing her panty clad fat ass, she just kept on doing it.

I love that.

I also love the fact that she wears whatever the fuck she wants to.

This is how I want to spend the remainder of my life.

Wearing whatever the fuck crazy shit I wanna and ROCKING IT.

Say it with me..ROCKING IT.

Now when I say that, don't take that to mean I necessarily will look good to you or your uncle. If it looks good to me and I stop for a minute and think OH FUCK YES. That means ROCKING IT has been achieved.

For instance todays outfit (I will have Uniballer take pics when I get home) is an odd one.

I have this bright red vintage sun dress I got at Goodwill YONKS ago. I bought it for the color and the lettuce hem. However the booby area is way too small, like when I tried it on my boobs almost exploded it too small. So I cut off the top part where there was binding and now I wear it as a kick ass over skirt of varying lengths.

Sometimes I wear it with a full length black broomstick skirt underneath, sometimes as a shorter skirt over a mid length vintage slip. Today I am wearing it long on it's own which was a last minute thing because the power went out in my neighborhood as I was getting ready for work and I couldn't find any lotion, okay digression here but how is it I have eleventymillion kinds of skin moisturizing things but couldn't find fucking 1?, back on topic, so no lotion and my legs were ashy so I rolled down the top and it's now full length.

The sole reason I love this skirt is the bright tomato-y red it is. The fabric is that weird mid/late 70's poly with a bit o stretch. And it wrinkles like a mother fucker but I still love it.

This my homies is ROCKING IT.

Fly your freak flag proudly.

And OMG YAY Integgy I love love LOVE that you are a Detrivore fan now. This is awesome.

So tomorrow sexytimes advice for two fine folks. Also Thursday some fat fathions re my Moratorium on pants that is semi lifted and I will show you guys what is inspiring me for fall right now.

Um.

Okay I think that's it.

Homo Out.

Stumble It!

And one more time.

Sexytimes advice this week swearsies my friends.

Posting is indeed light, I'm doing some weird brain thing right now where my thoughts are a little too far into other writing and whatnot. I'm working on balancing things out.

In other news over the weekend while I wasn't really near my computer much I got some amusing troll messages.

One message alerted me to the fact that the audacity of having a paypal button I am in effect begging and stealing from people. Clearly this person knows from their learnings that I make vast amounts of money blogging and it's a terrible thing.

Uh huh.

For the record as far as "profit" goes I have probably made less than ten dollars with this blog during any of my sporadic internets big pimping money making attempts in seven years. What a silly thing to do. Why would a person spend a good twenty or thirty minutes reading, then go to the form just to say that?

Really?

How silly.

The other gem (why is there such a dearth of intelligent or reasonable trolls?) was sparked by an old entry that I can't find now where I explained the flaw in the reasoning that fat has nothing to do with genetics etc. I believe it was sparked by the assertion by some jackass that I was "blaming my fat" on genetics solely.

The ever so concerned troll apparently does not understand the correlation between many things about a persons physical body and genetic traits.

Oh no wait here's the entry click here to play along.

Now I have yet to find anyone who would disagree that things like eye color, hair color and texture, hell even the timbre of a voice can be somehow linked to genetic traits.

How is it at all reasonable to exclude body shape and size from that equation?

Why is it that almost everytime I see this issue in a fat hat/fear/etc argument any common sense someone might have had goes right out the fucking window?

Similarly, in FA circles I have never ever seen the cries of OMG everyone should be faaaaaaaaaaaaaat as many anti FA/fat/whatever folks seem to claim all the time.

Nor have I seen people (for the most part though I'm sure at some point it happens) hating on not fat people.

Disliking the cultural imperative that deems everyone must look fit (as in be thin) is not hating thin people.

For fuck sake man, how hard is it?

I suppose a big part of my frustration when it comes to talking about bodies and weight with a lot of people is the assumption that humanity is a physiological monolith and everyone must have the same values and opinions about health. Not to mention the ideas that what is awesome and fantastic for you must be fantastic and awesome for everyone.

The whole issue of health as a moral imperative is a whole other fucking thing.

I just don't understand that whole mindset.

I hope I never will understand it to tell you the truth.

I have decided I'm not devoting any more time or energy to trying to figure these things out. That in and of itself is a difficult thing for me because it's my nature to want to figure out why but, I'm going to work on that.

In other news.

Somehow I won a subscription to some supposed health magazine but predictably being that it is geared toward women almost every article is about some new fabulous way of losing weight, looking younger or other things I'm not much interested in.

However what is interesting is that despite the handfull of "miracle" diets they pimp monthly there is rarely a word about any kind of cautions.

I also find it amusing that their idea of healthy and affordable equals (at least in my neck of the woods) about 15$ a meal. Which is a lot for my household, not even factoring in the fact that I would have to leave my neighborhood all together and go traveling on the bus to find a good many of hte things that are "must haves".

I tend to take a lot of those eat this instead of this things with a huge grain of salt.

If you've paid attention over the last twenty years or so, like clockwork entire food groups and types of food are demonized for awhile then someone comes out and says something like, oh wait it's not that bad.

Milk, eggs, various kinds of meat, corn, etc.

The one thing this month that caught my attention was the promise that if you did any of several things you'd lose weight without even trying so said the hype.

The first was walking. I have been walking anywhere between 2-6 miles a day for the last four years and have not lost any great amount of weight.

I haven't been a regular soda or other sugary evil drink drinker in probably ten years and yeah not lost a great amount of weight.

I find these kinds of things terribly misleading. And potentially harmful to people who have special dietary needs, sensitive stomachs, bad knees or backs. I really don't like it and am going to spend some time with the magazines I've gotten and write those folks a good long letter.

I think that's about it my darlings. How about you show me some links and pictures. Show me what's new and fabulous in your lives.

Pets, boobs, boy ass, shoes, purses whatever.

MCCN did hotmail eat my email again? I think it hates me I might try sending from my back up email address.

And sexytimes advice soon.

OH wait, wait. I've been doing some serious writing work and I've dipped my toe into trying some magical realism. If you'd like to read an unedited raw story I did last week feel free to download it here.

Now you all will excuse me I'm having some back spasms and am going to stretch a little and try not to throw myself down the stairs.

Homo Out.

Ah crap note to self reinstall grease monkey mmkay.

PS..I'm trying to get a functional mobile version of my feed going as well as some other neat stuff. Stay tuned.

Stumble It!

NO U!

I know posting has been light. Mainly because I've been in other writing overdrive.

I've also been very in my head in a thinky sort of manner.

I realized something recently as I had to slow my pace walking up a bit of an incline due to pain in my knee areas that I have unconsciously been pushing my limits in ways that are not good for me.

I have a problem with this.

I have had this similar kind of problem since I was a teenager.

It's a huge challenge for me to separate what is healthy and normal and what could be pathological and potentially dangerous when it comes to exercise.

I forget how to listen carefully to my body and pay attention when it says bitch stop.

There is a disconnect going on and it takes a lot of work and energy on my part to mend it before I fuck myself up.

I have to continually remind myself in stern terms not to be such a fucking dick to myself. Not to blame myself when my knees are hurting or my back hurts. I have to remind myself that while I may be mighty I am not unbreakable and breaking myself is just a shitty thing to do.

Also (I will probably talk more about this in particular at some later date) spiritually it is not at all awesome for me to be treating myself like a punching bag metaphorically speaking. Not at all.

It is of utmost importance to treat my body like the sacred thing it is. It is a temporary home but goddamn it I need to make sure my roof ain't leaking? You know?

To that end. I am going to take a few minutes when I get home and have a nice chat with myself. Possibly if I'm not in too much pain spend some time dancing.

In other news.

I have some awesome sexytimes advice for a special homie.

I am also working on what may potentially be a small anthology of my own brain spew to put out on Lulu.

Um.

Also, I am seriously trying to work up the courage to go get my first professional pedicure. I have a serious thing with people, especially strangers touching my feet. But I would like my toenails to look cute since I have some cute sandals and am not great at doing my own toes.

I seriously curled my toes in my shoes thinking about it. I am freaked out.

Ummmmm...anything else?

Okay yeah my head is not in the game my friends. I've got writing to do and whatnot.

So remember, I love you my homies. Be nice to yourselves even when you know you're being a douche.

Homo Out.

Tags: annoyed fat girl, random, afrosphere

Stumble It!

Twitter lessons.

So I dig Twitter. Find me here and warning if you think I'm random here 140 characters seems to unleash the random beast.

For whatever reason I have a shit ton of followers and recently a lot of weightloss targeted marketing folks following me.

Um...

Here again I learn the lesson about keywords rather than you know reading.

Are these "miracle weightloss" and "I have the KEY to your healthy life" folks actually reading me and thinking, oh she'll buy it. She's fat she must want to lose weight.

Oh me.

Most of the time I just kinda shake my head.

To be fair I have read some of the information presented and I see the same trend that's been around in the diet and weightloss industry for ages.

First is the assumption that you are doing it wrong.

What are you doing wrong?

Everything.

You're eating wrong, exercising wrong, living wrong.

Second, the assumption that if you don't have a certain body that you're clearly and must be really unhappy in that body.

Third the assumption is that this person, this one miraculous person can tell you how to fix all of the above for the low low price of whatever.

This is what I don't like. I don't like the hype of lose pounds super quick and be a whole new you.

You won't be a whole new you.

You will be the same old you, with all of your neurosis and foibles with a smaller ass.

Along with this theme after my entry yesterday someone anonymously sent me a link to a woman's blog who supposedly losing weight solved every problem she ever had.

What this person obviously didn't read were the entries where this lady talked about her years of intensive therapy, or that her weightloss started due to a severe reaction to a medication. And that her subsequent weight gain came about after a similar experience.

In her case, yeah I can see where losing weight might have really helped her out. It can be a terrible thing when your body does things that are out of your control.

What was more powerful to me (and this was absolutely not the point of me being sent this link) was the fact that this lady started doing things she loved and her body returned to it's normal state.

She wasn't dieting per se, she wasn't on a weightloss journey, she just wanted to be as healthy as she could.

Which is one of my serious points about FA.

Being healthy as I keep saying is not one thing.

There is no one person I can look at and decide that I'm going to be just like them health wise because, our bodies are not the same.

So these are my lessons for today my homies.

Tomorrow some fluff. Or maybe not who knows I am made of random whims.

Goodnight my homies and haters.

Homo Out.

Tags: annoyed fat girl, afrosphere,

Stumble It!

Dieting, food and weighty thoughts.

No matter where fat, food and diet are mentioned there are a group of common refrains and angry chants that follow.

There are the standard assumptions about bodies that do not conform to an average visual ideal of health, generally those visuals are fat people.

I read some of the comments from Marianne and Kate's posts at Powell's and elsewhere (forgive my non linking ass I'm tired) and there are of course the usual.

YOU CAN'T BE HEALTHY OMG OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

etc.

Now I've made the point time and again that the visual of a human beings body is not necessarily indicative of their health.

Today I want to know a few things that I doubt I will get answers to because the people that say these things never have answers ready.

First, if in fact it is only the size of a person that can tell you how they eat, what they eat, whether or not they exercise are you equally angry and harsh with people who are visibly underweight?

Are you aware that there are as many real dangers of being underweight as there are as being overweight?

If you see anyone fat or thin eating junk food do you run screaming at them for their eating choices?

If appearance is the be all end all indication of health, are you as angry at people with bad skin? Bad skin can be indicative in a surface way of overall health.

Are you as angry and hateful towards people you see who may be at a normal weight but have thinning hair or brittle fingernails?

Assuming for a moment that yes, you're right you can know everything about my current and future health just by looking at my fat self what are you going to tell me?

And how are the wailing accusations of "you eat too much" etc etc accurate or correct that you who is not my doctor, doesn't know me personally, hasn't observed my life and know nothing about me save for how I look standing on the sidewalk, how can you tell me in any definitive way what's going on with me?

I will be honest, I lose vast amounts of respect for people who have this attitude.

Similarly when I hear people say they question someones disability or appearance of disability if they are fat.

If you have never spoken to someone, never seen them how do you know?

Maybe that fat person in the scooter or wheelchair wasn't fat to begin with.

Maybe that person have MS.

Maybe that person was fat to begin with but, their disability has nothing to do with their weight.

Naturally you can think whatever the hell you please. However don't expect to spew your bullshit in my area and not be called on it.

I also have been thinking about dieting.

I realize that the following is not a popular opinion in FA and that's fine with me.

I don't care if people diet.

That said, if you are dieting I would ask that you be cautious with yourself. Be careful of anything that involves you starving yourself. Be careful trying to lose weight too quickly, it's not good for you.

I will also say you're probably fine the way you are.

I don't believe that weightloss is a magical cure all that will turn a shitty life into an awesome one.

Weightloss alone will not net you a marriage proposal, it won't make you smarter, it won't all of a sudden make your life an adventure.

Changing the size or shape of your ass will not change who you are fundamentally. If you're a bitter asshole and fat, you'll probably still be a bitter asshole when you're not fat.

Furthermore, I don't believe that weightloss is a magical cure all for medical ailments either.

Yes, there are health problems that weightloss can be beneficial for. However, I do not believe that needs to be the first place to go.

I am a firm believer in a few key things when dealing with weight and health.

First and foremost there is no perfect pinnacle of health that everyone must strive for.

What is healthy and fantastic for you, could make me really sick.

Case in point.

When everyone and their Grandma was doing Atkins and having some awesome results ranging from desired weightloss to lessening diabetes drugs I decided to give it a try.

I found out a few things. Doing Atkins for about six months I discovered that kind of diet caused me to have near hypoglycemic drops in blood sugar and thus I fainted. At least once I fainted while home alone and gave myself quite a big bump on the forehead.

Also even when I switched to a very low carb diet I had a lot of problems with brain fog and fatigue. When I wasn't faint from blood sugar issues, I was angry. Not just your run of the mill I'm having a shitty day angry, more like full on bouts of rage that I could only associate with the diet.

Once I slowly got myself back into normal eating those problems subsided.

So for me that is not awesome.

For other people though, it is wonderful. I know a lot of folks with both Type 1 and 2 diabetes who benefit from that diet and that's great.

Some people I've known have benefited from weight loss. Some not. It is not my place to say there should be a moratorium on either.

It's important to me to make it very clear that I think that when people say that FA "promotes obesity" they are being obtuse.

No one is promoting obesity.

I am promoting autonomy.

I am promoting the idea that it's not up to the general public, or doctors who are not performing their duties as medical professionals, it's not up to the media or to law makers what state my or your ass is in.

I am promoting the idea that if you can do x thing for your health, that is fucking fantastic. I can do this other thing for my health and that's fucking fantastic but it is not a moral imperative.

Not a moral imperative.

I am promoting the idea that researchers need to stop falsifying data to support fear and lie based medicine.

I am promoting the idea that no matter who you are, or how you live your life you deserve medical care that isn't contingent on your body being "acceptable".

I am promoting the idea that society needs to stop fucking around.

There are far more important things to be doing than pointing at people who don't fit some arbitrary mold of what a human being is supposed to look like and start dealing with some of the serious shit that is going on in the world.

After all this, if you want to go ahead and get your hate on go ahead. Tell me if only I'd lose weight I wouldn't be such a dick and more people might want to fuck me. Tell me if I'd only lose weight you wouldn't hate me so much.

Go ahead.

Be aware though that unless you are walking next to me day to day, there's nothing you can tell me that I will take at all seriously.

Nothing.

Homo Out.

Stumble It!

I'm back with Fatty Fashions.

Okay took a wee hiatus there I had kind of a week last week. Had an epic migraine that was bad enough I actually left work halfway through unable to deal with lights and computers.

So onto MCCN's question about fabulizing (YES another made up word) her wardrobe. Also MCCN is that your email address I spied? I can't get it from my question form because when I fixed up the code to my liking I neglected to put that as an available field because I'm uh...awesome.

Onto your question my dear.

You have reached what I call the critical mass of fuck this shit. For awhile (a few years) I bought and wore a shitload of clothes I hated. I was buying and wearing these clothes for a variety of reasons except that they made me feel fabulous and sexy.

Now my economic situation has never been great so I taught myself how to thrift like a mofo.

Now if you want to cultivate a look that makes you feel like the sex, here is what I do.

I collect pictures, links, etc to things I think are awesome and inspiring. If you have a looksy here, that is where I put make up related inspiration pictures. Notice that not all of those pictures are people who look like me at all, some of them aren't even people.

I am a very visual thinker, I like having things to look at that make my brain start working. I have a few pieces of clothing that are tattered but very representative of what I like and I keep them around so I have that visual.

Next thing, broaden your horizons. Cruise Ebay, cruise thrift stores, cruise stores where you may or may not be able to shop but go for it.

Another thing I employ while shopping is visualization, what am I visualizing whatever piece of clothing with? Now because I can't always afford the things I'm lusting after, I like to find things that are similar enough to satisfy my want and still be wearable.

Or if things I am lusting after don't come in my size, I will find an alternative.

Personally I think the key to finding and keeping that fabulous feeling is a.) letting go of the idea that you must lose weight/only buy from x place/etc etc. Let. It. Go. B.) Work it. No matter what your style may be, or what you think you are "supposed" to be doing or wearing, as I have said many times before, WORK IT. WORK IT OWN IT ROCK IT WORK IT.

I don't care if you're a size 00 or a 32 goddamn it, WORK IT.

Yes this is where you picture me done up drag queen style, waving a sparkly wand at you and hollering.

WORK IT!

Own what you got. I firmly believe that fabulosity is not just what you're wearing but how you're wearing it. Are you a jeans and Tshirt kinda person? Fucking WORK THAT SHIT. Business attire? STRUT YOUR STUFF.

You get the idea.

Now homework.

When you get dressed next, take a minute to give yourself a good long look. Strike a pose no I'm serious. If you need to, tell yourself firmly POSE POSE POSE I'm talking have a running thing in your head or outloud telling yourself a la ANTM to be FIERCE (LOL at myself there for a second).

Then go forth into your world and be fabulous. If you're staying at home dealing with kids and poop, feel fabulous because this is an extremely important job. IF you're going to your job and not feeling it, work it.

Now I turn it over to you my awesome readers, fat and non fat alike. How to you get more awesome and fabulosity into your wardrobe? Secrets? What makes you feel like BAM YES I AM FUCKING HOT.

Feel free to post links, pics, or whatever other stuff you've got.

I'm back this week and have stuff to tells you internets.

But that's all for now. Go forth, be fabulous and loving.

Homo Out.

Tags: annoyed fat girl, afrosphere, fat fashion

Stumble It!

Sex advice for the nervous.

Our question comes from the fabulous Apprehensive who says,

I'm a long-time lurker on your blog, and I was wondering if you could help me with an issue I'm confronting in my sex life.

I'm a female college student, and I am with a new boyfriend, whom I love. We have fooled around a fair amount, and it's been lovely. Right now, we're apart for the summer, but once we get back on campus in the fall, we want to give intercourse a try.

My boyfriend is completely inexperienced and naive, and I feel a certain responsibility to guide him, and make sure he has a good experience. At the same time, I'm quite concerned that I might have difficulties with intercourse.

I've had a variety of sexual relationships, many of them quite wonderful. But while I do find penetration pleasurable, it hurts! It doesn't seem to matter whom I'm with, or that they--or I--do.

I don't think I have vaginismus or some similar condition, since I can handle finger penetration just fine. But try and stick anything large in there, and things go horribly wrong.

I love my boyfriend, and I want his first experience with intercourse to be relaxed, fun, and all-around positive. I know he would be mortified by the thought of hurting me. But I feel that I need to address this issue with him, so that I don't end up suffering through more painful, unsatisfying sex.

Any help or advice would be WONDERFUL.

Thank-you so much!
Apprehensive

Oookay my darling.

First of all you sound like an awesome partner for someone to have for their first time. And I will tell you that most likely your boyfriend is going to be so excited about doing it for the first time that wonderful or not, it's going to be a bit overwhelming and kinda like OH MY GOD SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEX and he's done.

That's fine and normal.

As far as guidance goes, for those first few times make sure that a.) he's not going all buck wild and poking you in the butt if you don't want that and b.) he's not going all buck wild and trying to get in there too soon. Be gentle but firm.

Now as for you I would ask you a few questions.

Have you been checked out by a gynecologist regularly?
Have you or do you penetrate yourself with toys or your fingers?

Now that second question I ask because all of us vagina having people, our vaginas while basically the same are not all the same. If you don't already penetrate yourself here is what I suggest.

Take some time by yourself while you're feeling good and explore the shape of your vagina with your fingers.

Next thing think about past sexual experiences that were pleasant. Do you feel pain or soreness from similar positions? Have you been with fellows endowed with the big peen?

Both of these things can cause soreness and pain during or after having penetrative sex.

And that brings me to my next question, are you experiencing pain during intercourse or are you sore after?

If you start to get sore during this could come from a lot of things. You and your partner might need lube. Or you may need to switch positions. If you're having pain high up, your partners penis can be hitting your cervix and that can hurt (albeit sometimes in a pleasurable OH THAT'S AWESOME way).

If you're sore after I say again you might need lube or to explore different positions. You also might need a break. There is nothing wrong with calling a mid sex time out for the home team. Just remember not to forget your partner during said time out.

Being that you're fairly certain you don't have vaginismus I will recommend some stuff that can help treat that, and that may help you.

Masturbate a lot. This goes back to the putting your own fingers inside yourself but try buying a smallish toy. Maybe start with something a bit smaller than whatever penis you're used to. This way you can take some time to figure out at what point you're experiencing discomfort before it turns into pain.

Also you can figure out if you're having lubrication issues, if maybe one angle of penetration is more painful for you than another.

Try doing some some Kegel Exercises.

I fucking love Kegel's like whoa.

Now the awesome things about these is aside from being able to proclaim that you have a Pussy of Might, you will learn how the different areas of muscles feel and how to relax them. Think of it as yoga for your crotch.

Here is a reasonably decent explanation of the how to do Kegel's. And despite how clinical that reads lemme give you some real talk scoop.

Once you have good PC muscle control it is possible to get yourself quite aroused without touching yourself and where ever you want. This is a great thing for those of us who are slow to arousal or have libido issues.

You can also learn to use your PC muscles during sex to help yourself get to orgasm which not only feels awesome for you, can be an awesome HOLY SHIT PUSSY IS AWESOME AND MIGHTY moment for your partner as well.

If you're planning on having kids I have heard that having exercised PC muscles can assist in childbirth. That I have not done the field research on cause that's not how I roll but it's what I hear.

Strong PC muscles can also (as the instructions above say) help to not be incontinent as you get older or after childbirth. Also awesome.

Boys, don't think you are being ignored. PC muscles can help you maintain erections if you have trouble with that, they can so I hear make a difference in what you're feeling. Also boys I know how you are and penis tricks can be really amusing. I will admit, sometimes (okay fairly often) I think silly peenor tricks are funny.

Back to you Apprehensive.

I suggest spending some time this summer working this out for yourself. Not for your partner but for you.

And my darling report back, do some experimenting and let me know how you're doing or if you need some more help. Also and I am sorry to be bossy baby but I demand you go to your girly doctor and get totally checked out.

I'm afraid I must insist.

And if you can't afford your regular doc go to Planned Parenthood or find a low cost/sliding scale clinic in your area. Your ladyparts must be looked after or they will rebel.

Now folks here's where I turn it over to my awesome readers of fantasticness. Have you had experience with these issues? Can you offer our darling Apprehensive a word of wisdom or understanding? Oh I know you can.

And one more thing before I flitter off to eat delicious soup, Will, my Virgin friend, Canelle (yikes off the top of my head I am not awesome) all you folks who have written how are you doing? Yes I do really want to know. Leave a comment or send me a note.

Okay that's all homies.

Tomorrow an awesome fashion question. Also An outfit post from yours truly.

And as always if there is anything, no I mean anything you want to ask me that you think I might know. Ask away. Even if you feel dumb or weird ask me anyway and give yourself a silly moniker while you do it.

Homo out.

Stumble It!

Friday is for Glee.

Yes I said glee.

First some shout outs.

Um Big Liberty your wedding pictures were lovely. I love your dress congratulations.

What else?

Ohhh MCCN I need your email address :)

And Lilly the Fatshionista LJ community is located here. Despite my occasional huge level of frustration it is a pretty awesome place.

Now for some glee shall we?

I want to talk about joy for a minute.

During the hardest and worst parts of my life I learned what I consider to be one of my top 4 life altering skills. I learned to take joy in the tiny things.

There have been times in my life when things didn't just suck everything sucked. One time I recall all too vividly I was house sitting for someone with a megaton of cats in a house that had a broken water heater so I had about a half gallon of hot water a day, I had an epic flu and was taking care of myself (and despite this epic flu I could still smell ammonia and cat wee), I got fleas, it was Christmas/New Years, I got fleas and then I lost my job the day after Christmas.

All that was happening and I wound up losing my place to live which hurt the most because I was playing a big part in raising my friends two children and I hadn't thought about what would happen when I couldn't afford to live with them anymore.

To say I was completely heartbroken would be the understatement of my 20's. Everything went to complete shit.

During my job hunt (which included probably one of the worst/creepiest non-sex work interviews I've ever had..more on that later) I took up the habit of after an interview spending some time by myself without thinking about the burdens of what was going on. One of these days I for some reason had five dollars, and when you're a hair away from homelessness and poverty five dollars is a big deal.

So I took my five dollars and wandered into a used bookstore. I picked up a book for a dollar and then used my remaining four dollars to buy a cup of coffee. I remember sitting in the coffeeshop reading my book and looking out at the rain and very suddenly having that feeling, there was a moment of joy and goodness amongst all the shit.

I carry that lesson with me every day.

No matter how bad the day is going, or what fucked up thing is going on I find something to find joy in.

Maybe my hair is feeling extra special soft, my coffee is super delicious, my bus ride isn't full of shrieking crazy people, maybe I made someone smile.

Other times, I turn to the internets. I watch videos of babies laughing, animals doing cute things. Whatever.

The important thing is that there is joy even in the little things and it's important nigh on sacred to me to make sure I remember that.

And because of this lesson I learned hard I decided that the next tattoo I get when I can afford it is the following phrase in Latin:

Lux et Veritas. -ETA fuck I spelled that wrong. I am awesome.

Light and Truth because it is imperative and sacred that I remember to honor both and to remind myself that yes, my truth is important too.

I'm thinking I want it inside my left forearm so I can read it when I need it.

So that's all. It's Friday and I am really hoping to finish writing an essay I started today.

So bring me yer links and yer joys. I will probably do some Fatshions advice this weekend and sexytimes advice on Monday. And as always feel free to ask me anything guys. Totally anything.

So peace out my homies. Have a beautiful and joy filled weekend.

Homo Out.

Tags: afrosphere, annoyed fat girl

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Fatshions Thursday baby.

Fatshions Thursday babies.

It has been quite hot here lately and while I freaking LOVE the hot weather my summer clothes wardrobe isn't quite as awesome as I'd like.

That said.

Some of my outfits have been of the cute and THRIFTY!

So first lemme show you my pretty cheap outfit.



Now this is after 14 hours of wear so my shirt is stretched out and I'm rumpled but you get the idea.

From the toes up.

Soda brand flipflops bought on Ebay for 20$ shipped awhile ago. I couldn't find the Reefs I wanted for a price I liked so here they are. My bestie told me to check out wearing the flipflops and despite me being dubious, holy fucking shit these are comfy. And such an awesome deal.

Next up my trusty Old Navy brand fold over skirt. I thrifted this a long time ago on Fatshionista (LJ community) and I just love it. This is quite possibly one of the most comfortable skirts I've owned in a long time. Now why it is that ON isn't making this one in plus sizes I don't know. It's a perfect drape, excellent jersey fabric it would sell like gangbusters. It is stretchy enough that I would guess that the womens XXL would probably fit above a few inches where their size chart cuts off. Also because of the fold over waistband, if you have a belly it's comfy, if you have a big booty it'd be no thing to pin the waistband in back to keep your skirt even. If you're more straight up and down shaped with narrower hips, it would still be cute. Being that I'm short torso'd I do wear it way up near my bra so I get that nice (it's better fresh out of the wash) hits right at my knees.

The Tshirt came from Target. From their line of Jrs sized (hold on about that bit) cheap "layering" tees. Now this shirt is the XXL and you see how it fits. They do stretch out so if you're say up to about a 16-20 or so depending on your bust and belly size the tanks could totally work for you because the tanks are made quite long. Anyway, it was only 8$ and works like whoa. I'm a little weird about the wee titty pocket there but overall these are a good find and I'll probably pick up a couple more.

If you're more solidly in Target's plus size range the selection even online is pretty crappy. Although I will say again no matter what size you actually are, things like tshirts and tank tops especially cheap ones. Buy one and take a chance. I don't know about you guys but I always need shirts and shirts that maybe aren't exactly right I often pair with cardigans or something else layered so it's not a total loss.

Okay so that was my outfit yesterday. I have decided I really love the fuller skirt and more form fitting (yes I know it got baggy) top shape for summer.

Next up.

OMG ATTENTION MY 24-32 SIZED HOMIES.

I've been doing a lot of ebay cruising and lately there has been a lot of stuff in these sizes for various sizes. Now what I've taken to doing with ebay lately is once you're looking at the women's clothes area just click the plus sizes, then order them from lowest+shipping. Treat it like going to the thrift store and scroll away until something catches your eye, then check the listing. I've noticed a lot of sellers aren't super clear in headlines so even if something might be a tad too small check anyway.

Next I think I am ready to begin my slow denunciation of pants. This is mostly inspired by Lesley and her ass kicking dresses of fucking awesomeness and Tara (Tara Shuai) and her fierce awesome winter defying femmeness.

The fact is I have hated to wear pants since I was a child. There were years as a kid I hated to wear pants. That said. I have developed a love of a good pair of black slacks. I feel very growed up office goth in black slacks so I will probably not cut pants out in total.

But I have decided that jeans can fuck right off. I don't really like wearing them and only started buying them out of desperation.

Fuck to the that.

So my plan thus far is going to involve running tights under skirts and dresses when it gets cold. Boots, oh yes there will be more boots and I will in fact scour the mother fucking Earth for gothy boots that fit.

I am going to thrift my ass off during the end of summer and start of fall. I am also going to sew because I am going to be fabulous.

I am going to be fabulous and not go broke doing it.

This is my goal and I believe it is a good one. I am too old not to be indulging my fashion whims.

Speaking of I was digging through a box of stuff and found I have some cute stuff I didn't know I had. one of which involves spider embossed netting. I also have a short red petticoat that I forgot I had. I'm not sure if it fits though so I might sell it and buy a bigger size.

Next week for Fatty Fashion I will cover some mens wear. I want my big male identified or big fabulous butches to look sexy too.

Share with me, tell me your recent fashion wins and not so wins.

Homo Out.

PS..I need some new flats off to Ebay I will report back next week.

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Oh why yes I did.

Okay um first of all.

I know I say it all the time but I fucking love you guys.

And welcome WELCOME. Lurkers, new homies. JennyRose welcome. I am so glad SO glad you have found some solidarity and comfort.

So B asked me the following questions that I am more than happy to answer.

I am finally ready to undergo my breast reduction and I had a few questions.

1. How long did it take you to recover from yours?

Being that I had mine a long time ago some of this has probably changed but, I was in the hospital for a few days, then they removed the drains from my incisions and I went home. I had (shit man don't you know I can't remember the technical term) keyhole shaped incisions and had about three weeks of initial downtime where I stayed home from school.

My big advice during your recovery is to take it slow. Don't go around lifting things right when you stop being sore because you could hurt yourself. Before surgery make sure stuff you want/need is on boob level. I think I was pretty much totally healed within 8 weeks or so with some residual soreness.

2. What size did you go from to where you are now? ( you may have answered this but I forgot)

Uh at the end just prior to getting surgery the very last bra I had was something like a 34 FF. Now looking at some bra size charts and knowing how small the last bra I wore was, I would say I probably got to be about an H cup or so.

Holy shit that is insane to think about.

3. Did you lose nipple sensation? If so, did it recover?

I did lose some sensation. I was so young though I didn't really realize it.

These days (like lots of other women who haven't had surgery) my sensation is okay. Usually one nipple is more sensitive than the other but overall I did not have a total loss of sensation and I think (this could be mind over matter) but I think, that the sensation did return.

Now questions you didn't ask but tips I have.

Questions to ask your doc:
Ask to see before and after pictures of other patients.
Also if you are prone to keloid type scarring make sure you talk about that as well.

Other stuff to consider with the breast reduction.
Make sure that as you're considering what size do keep in mind your body shape. I know it may be tempted to go really small and perky but do keep in mind your proportions.
Also, those scars are going to itch as they heal. You can talk about it with your doctor but I highly recommend Vitamin E oil or cocoa butter to help combat that.
Prior to having surgery get yourself some soft cup or wireless sports bra type things. Or if you prefer shelf bra camisoles. Just enough support to keep your sore new boobies from moving around too much. Nothing too tight though so as not to irritate your skin.

Also buy yourself some shirts. Have a supply of things that will fit you properly because it will be a good feeling.

Umm...I think that's all I've got in the way of the booby advice today.

What else?

OH before I totally forget new sexytimes advice probably Monday.

Also some followup to yesterdays entry but I can't brain anymore today.

And tomorrow, a summer fashion report and my official denunciation of pants.

So with that my darlings I'm out. I have a story to edit and try to cut down by about 400 words.

I love you my homies.

But wait, your homework for tonight is as follows.

Take a moment at some point, (yes we've done this before but this time there's a twist) look at yourself, give yourself a stern look and say I am fucking awesome. Who's awesome? I am awesome.

Rinse, repeat at least twice.

That's it.

Homo Out.

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An interesting question.

Okay I started this forever ago now but wanted to make sure I was presenting what I wanted to say in the way I wanted to.

Over the weekend I got an anonymous question from a regular reader. I won't repost the whole thing here as she'd like to remain totally anonymous. Essentially what she wants to know about is my experience in this sort of body as an adult.

She admitted that she's one of the people who looks at someone like me and thinks inwardly that I am not really fat and she does not understand the place of someone like me in the fat community. She said it hadn't occurred to her prior to finding smaller fat folks on the Fatosphere and in Fatshionista on LJ that smaller fat folks would have any of the same sort of problems pretty much at all.

So some of the issues I have personally (Now I may be Queen of all I Survey however the vote is still out among the smaller fat folks about who is queen) experienced and experience daily.

One of the things that probably bothers me the most at this size is the assumption by the world at large that I am a work in progress. That I am at the midway point between some 'horrifying' before picture and the 'lovely' after picture. I think at the size I am which is probably a little larger than average in spots (I'll get to that later, that has to do with proportion) it is assume that I am actively losing weight.

And when I correct people on this point a lot of them get pissed off.

Most of the time I can let that roll off of my back. Sometimes, it's a really fucked up thing to deal with.

I think that too many people feel far more comfortable trying to exert their will over another persons body when said body is close to what they think it should be. What can often be construed as a privilege is sometimes an ass flavored burden.

So there's that kind of thing.

What else?

Doctors. Can we talk about health care for a minute?

I have had countless doctors give me the following speech in one way or another.

"If you just cut down (insert whatever here) and do more (insert other whatever here) you'll lose those last 20 pounds in no time."

Now usually those conversations lead to me being angry because after asking me once and I decline the "weight help" how about just fucking treating me for what I came for?

You dig?

For me personally as I have probably mentioned size is way less of an issue for me personally than economics is. Frankly, I'm of the mind that regardless of the size of another human being if they have awesome fatshion advice or whatever I'm down to listen. Even if it doesn't pertain to my currently size 14/16 ass.

My advice my anonymous friend, is this.

I can't tell you the Inbetweenie/smaller fat experience. What I can tell you is what goes on in my slice of the universe. I highly advocate that you and whomever else instead of focusing that this person is not the same size as me, instead take that set of blinders off and actually look at what that person with the different ass is saying.

For instance (I'm totally talking about you here Lesley) Lesley over at Fatshionista.com has an entirely different body shape than I do. Like even if we wore the same size, our bodies are still entirely different. Now that being what it is, I could reasonably say that I don't read her fashion posts because we are so different.

But, I fucking love Lesley. Her aesthetic is not mine, our bodies are way different but I think she has some ass kicking style and after being a regular reader of her wardrobe posts I've been clued into some shops and deals I would have otherwise never heard of.

Now because I have stayed with the fashion posts, that has led me to her other posts which are equally awesome.

See what I did there?

This also ties in with the whole diversity and intersectionality thing in the fat community.

There are lots of folks in the Fat community talk about a lot of things. If you can only deal with one sort of fat talk, then you're not going to get the richness and full awesome flavor that the fat community has to offer.

Additionally it's not the job of bloggers or even groups of bloggers to make sure that readers are exposed to diverse voices. The onus of that is on the person taking in the information. If diversity is important to you, you have to take the responsibility to either learn to find diverse voices or points of view that are different than yours.

If you can't hack it, or can't widen your horizons to take in those other voices it's your fucking loss. No really it is.

You can't just talk about wanting this or that to magically appear in a community, chances are it's out there. It's up to you to find it.

I had more planned to say but I seriously digressed so I'll save that for another post.

So to end it, again my homies feel free to ask me anything you wanna. You can do it anonymously via my form there (sexytimes questions, wardrobe questions, whatever questions) and if you ask I won't quote your question word for word.

All this said, I am off. I need some water to counteract my mega assload of coffee I've had today.

I love you guys.

Homo out.

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HNT and] more.

First up this weeks HNT self portrait.



That is my hair after I've let it down from my bun and have spent some time playing with it.

I was trying to evoke a sense of movement there and kind of made it to what I was trying for. I will probably put a couple of the other ones I took up over at Flickr tonight or tomorrow.

Everywhere folks in the Fat community are talking about Meme Roth and her crazy. To tell you the truth, I hadn't paid overmuch attention to Ms. Roth's vitriol mainly because from the jump all I heard was, "CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH".

Rachel over at F-Words did some research on Ms. Roth and her findings interest me.

Mainly because I think this sort of heavy handed misdirection is dangerous.

I think this sort of thing is especially dangerous for those of us who might be prone to eating disorders.

If you are already on the verge of disorder and find a cheerleader who's telling you FUCK YEAH GO GO GO GO, that is not good.

If Ms. Roth was coming from a place of love and being as ignorant as she tends to be, I think I personally would forgive her a little. However, her methods and the things she says just makes me sad.

As I've said before that whatever message you may have, delivering it in a hateful spiteful and yes insane way, is probably not going to win the whole shebang.

How tiring.

Actually I had way more to say but it's a beautiful day, Meme Roth is depressing and I'm not in the mood.

So let's talk about something else shall we?

Let's talk about interesting compliments for a moment.

Earlier today I had a lady stop me to tell me that she thinks that I am an "elegant" dresser.

It just tickled me blue because this lady is an older (I'd say late 50's or so) fairly snappy dresser herself. I would describe her style as very classic, lots of tailored things in pastels etc. I said thank you and went on about my day.

What really tickled me is that she who clearly has a vastly different aesthetic to mine has that magical ability to appreciate the different. I think sometimes this is why the Fatshionista community bugs me sometimes. This may be my own shit and I fully own that but I can't say I'm not really disappointed when someone with an aesthetic that's not trendy or brightly colored gets the round of, "wear color" do this do that.

Or the questions about whether or not the outfit is appropriate etc.

That really bums me out.

Why do that?

If in theory it's an awesome and good thing to embrace and normalize a variety of differing bodies, how is it so hard to extend that to a variety of differing styles?

There is some disconnect there that I see and often just can't figure out how to point out nicely or without saying, don't be a dick.

I think this is my beef with a lot of fashion discussion in general.

I personally don't subscribe to, pay attention to or deal with any sort of fashion rules aside from I can't go to work topless.

I just do not understand why there are always so many supposed rules. Why?

Why not be happy someone is doing their thing and enjoying it?

I think this is one of those great life mysteries that I will just never understand.

If someone is doing their thing and not hurting me, not hurting other people etc why fuck with them about it or talk shit?

I really think a lot of life would be so much easier if we just quit fucking with each other.

Someone wants to rock some acid green spandex booty shorts and tie dyed titty sling? Rock it.

Whatever it is, as I have said before don't grudge people some happy.

Does crushing up Cheetoes and snorting them make you happy? Um ew and be careful but GO ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF.

So the moral here my homies, is relax. You don't have to approve of everybody. And even if you don't approve sometimes there is just no reason to voice that because at the end of teh day, your discomfort or dislike of something is probably not gonna change it and that's a waste of your precious energy.

Okay I am so distracted I can't concentrate at all.

So I must send some damn dirty hippy love, Chris of course (who's books in my email I am devouring and plan to write about in detail), even some dirty hippy love for Meme Roth who clearly needs it, and of course my readers.

I have some homework for you tonight, at some point lean close to a mirror so you are eye to eye with yourself and say firmly and with authority,

"Shannon thinks you are fucking awesome, and she is right."

Do this at least once and report back.

For extra credit, take a moment alone no matter how you get it and geek out.

When I say geek out I mean flail your arms, shake your ass, bounce in your wheel chair, lean on your cane and do a little noddy dance, booty shake, shake your boobs, do this for however long it takes you to start laughing.

For super extra credit, do it with friends and family even your pets.

That's all, class dismissed.

Homo Out.

PS...if you get a chance I HIGHLY suggest making a stranger laugh for no good reason.

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In the fatness...and the um..

The above title references nothing save something I was just singing to myself.

First of all, as always I love you guys. And you too Lurker Lurkerson.

Now okay I've talked about April Flores AkA FattyD before but holy hot damn she's doing a clothing line. Fat hot ass fashion (NSFW linky there) as announced today. I am very excited to see what she comes up with.

What else?

Oh I was re-reading an entry about Weight Watchers over at F-Words today via I think um...Queer Fat Femme? and being that I don't watch TV I had no idea Janeane Garafolo was doing their voice overs.

I have to tell you folks I'm not mad at her.

I have been a big fan since I first heard her comedy but I get it.

I can't be mad that she needs to earn a paycheck because I do shit I don't really want to in order to earn one. So I can't hold a grudge.

If I were in her position, regardless of how much it might piss me off I can't say I wouldn't have lost the weight and done the bullshit to get roles.

On the self portrait front I hit a bit of a snag.

I took a crapload of snaps that just did not turn out as I wanted at all so I'm starting over. I might try some body part images since my full body shots are not what I want.

To tell you guys the truth I'm hitting that wall o frustration at the pace at which I am learning these things.

I get really impatient with myself when my skills are not where I want them to be. Especially when it's arty related.

I'm working on that but I want to be awesome right now not eleventybillion pictures from now.

What else?

I'm a little stuck on random today I've been editing fiction and my head is about to straight up blow up.

I think there is a possibility for make up etc videos. Uniballer told me that his mostly broken camera will do vids while hooked up to my computer. I am really not good at this sort of technology so figuring out the logistics and how to's will take me a bit.

Probably tomorrow I am going to do a product review on the Cheekan. I've been roadtesting some stuff that I am super excited about.

While I am excitable and nearly brain dead pimp your links.

Show me your links, random stuff you've found. Whatever awesomeness you have.

With that my homies and haters I'm out. My brain needs a rest and some time to eye fabric on the ebay.

Incidentally, operation mend clothing was a semi success unlike operation give self braids. I also found that I have a skirt that is quite floofy and that I don't recall buying but whateva. I plan on wearing it on a day the wind isn't blowing quite so hard because I don't have any booty shorts cute enough to risk showing em to the world.

Homo Out.

Tags: annoyed fat girl, afrosphere, random

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