More advice...Black Nerdy girl style.

Before I start out let me just tell you guys that I am highly tired.

Insomnia and I are having a thing. A torrid angst filled affair that could result in drugs.

So if I wander off topic too much or say something weirder than usual that's why.

Okay let's go.

Our Homie Corey says this:

Job hunting sucks...
... especially when the Evil Higher Education Monster rears its ugly, ugly head. Like you, I'm not at all interested in yet MORE school. In fact, I hated school. My eyelid twitches even now at the thought. So, I ask you, how DOES one sell oneself when more school just isn't in the cards, and you rather /like/ the entry level, not-a-lot-of-money-but-works-for-me kind of things? Now, me, personally, I love working in kennels with dogs. I'm not very interested in moving up in a company, or even getting a technician's license to do all the fun medicine-y things, that I already know how to do via On The Job training. I honestly would rather just stay in the back, fiddling with random behind-the-scenes stuff. Yet, somehow, I get passed over by those people who have more education, because they're shiny. Or they're teenagers who plan to go on to college. I mean, really, I'm so sick of it that I'm considering making a permanent career change to carnie, which I actually find I also like, for the travel aspect of it. Anyway, I look forward to hearing your take on things. If nothing else, you do make me feel better about being who I am: a geeky goth black girl.
*shock* They DO exist!

You my dear are in very much the same boat I found myself in (holy shit) a decade ago.

When I started out looking for a job outside of sex work (phone sex or stripping) and not working for the Evil Empire (Ticketmaster and retail) I found myself right there with you.

I do not have a college education and I decided that I wouldn't be pursuing one around the age of 20 and that is a hard hard choice.

Now back then my biggest problems were no degree and no intention of getting one. Also, my work history was peppered with things a lot of big employers aren't really into. Sex work and retail unless it's more retail you're looking to get into.

After lots of interviews where I left feeling like OH THEY LIKED ME and not getting jobs I decided to do two things.

First one was I was very honest about my needs and wants.

I wanted a job that was full time, had benefits and more importantly I did not want to work in a shark infested type atmosphere.

I got rejected a lot out of hand.

But, I lucked into the company I am still working for to this day. I started out doing customer service. not my favorite thing but what was (and is) more important is that I like the culture of the company and these days my darling that may be hard to find.

I think for you, finding someplace smaller and making a point to say that you are interested in on the job training for X thing might be a good idea.

I will say to take anything I say here with a grain of salt because I've never been super great at job hunting and my thoughts could be HELLA out of date.

After working where I do for the last few years I decided that I will probably never join corporate America. At least not without kicking and screaming or unless a company is born that is so awesome I can take nap and/or primal scream breaks. I've had some sour tastes of mainstream corporate America and quit frankly it can fuck off.

Any job I have I must be able to feel like a human. That means have bad days, not feel uncomfortable being who I am and most importantly I don't want to be bullshitted.

For instance.

I did a good number of temp jobs to learn office skills. 10 Key, touch typing etc. I had some really cool ones (working as a commercial bank vault teller was one) and one that was so bad I walked out.

That one was for Safeco insurance.

I worked in a sub basement and had to use this scary ass door to get in the building, had to wear "business casual" while putting paper checks in numerical order in tiny boxes on tables under horror movie quality flourescent lighting in dead fucking silence. During the orientation they gave this whole spiel about eveyrone being an important part of the customer experience and having to do their part blablabla.

One day while limping home in my heels and getting my ONE pair of nice slacks dirty because the door we had to exit and enter through had potholes and bullshit in the alley, I realized that not one Safeco customer would ever know I existed nor would they give a shit if I wore comfortable clothes while I was putting their checks into boxes. They would not care that we were not allowed to talk to each other, have music playing in the room (not even shitty Muzak over the loud speaker) not allowed headphones or other "personal" items. Or that I had to use a scary fucking door to get into the building.

Safeco made up my mind for me.

I don't think it's ethical or okay to make the people you pay the least adhere to the same dress code as your sales team.

Working for Ticketmaster left me with the same bad taste. Granted I could dress how I wanted but after being called a "fucking stupid cunt" repeatedly by a 12 year old girl and then both her parents because I could not sell them disabled access seats to a Britney concert I decided fuck that noise too.

So I went searching and searching.

And fucking searching.

I had some experiences.

I had one interviewer tell me "you're so well spoken" in that awed "for a Black person" tone, followed by "you seem so intelligent for someone without a degree."

So Corey I hope since you've sent this you've found a job babe. Cause shit is fucking tough out there as you and all of us well know.

I myself am a lucky lucky lady.

While my job is not what I'd choose to do and get paid for I like it pretty well.

Would I rather be an on the rise hot ass NYTimes best selling author?

Fuck yeah.

But, what I've got works.

Now the trick is Corey to find what works for you and don't let anyone make you feel bad about what you choose to do.

When I took this job originally as a customer service person I had to endure some bullshit from people. People would ask when I was going to find a "real" job etc. Fuck them running.

As for the Black GeekGirlGothness.

Oh yes we are out there.

And let me recommend this article. It's old but seriously I had SUCH a massive girlcrush on Lucy Fur back in the day you don't even know.

And speaking of bein teh GAWWWWWWWWWWWTH I have some Gothy Fatty Fashion tips and stuff. Probably tomorrow darlings.

Also if I do some slideshow type (I can't make moving video) make up tutorials would y'all be into it?

I'm especially thinking about some gothy looks for my fellow Goths of color.

Uh yeah wow I'm spent. I'm going to make some tea and write the pattern for my next crochet projects. I have been making clutch purses/make up bag type things.

And as always I turn the floor to you my homies, can you commiserate with Corey? Have some fabulous advice?

Bring it.

Homo Out.

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Dappled in glitter.

So my homies I have been thinking.

Traditionally the closing years brings about much navel gazing on my part.

So there are to be changes in the new year.

Holy shit right?

More outfit pictures and regular fat girl thrifting reports.

I am also not going to balk at myself so much when I'm feeling vulnerable.

More announcement type things later let's get on with some advice for my homies.

CG and a homie we'll call BH (Big Homie) asked essentially almost the exact same question except BH is a dude who likes ladies.

My Text Area 1: Ok, first off, I heart you <----this much----->. :) You are so awesome in every way.
Ok, I know that this is a silly question, but I am very isolated, so I do not have a lot of outside feedback, and what I do have is pretty disheartening. Also, you seem way more knowledgeable o' sage of the tingly bits. haha
Sorry for the preamble. I am a straight woman. I am considered extremely ugly by people, I do not agree with them. I am very very fat. I am not feminine at all. I do not aim for attractive, sexy, or alluring looks in any way. I am just not drawn to those looks. I am also very loud. Basically, I fail in every area of "shoulds" for women. I think that I am awesome. I have a lot of very good qualities. I love me and am comfortable with myself in every way, but my characteristics seem to make relationships impossible. Of course, I have seen women with a couple of these characteristics in relationships. There is no shortage of fucking in the world, but whenever I see a woman with all of these characteristics, it seems that they are single forever.
My question is have you seen a woman, or women, with ALL of these characteristics in relationships with people who are attracted to them?
Thank you,
C.G.

CG you and BH said a lot of the same things and my immediate short answer is why yes I have.

The thing about relationships and attractiveness is that the acquisition of the former is not necessarily a matter of the latter.

And you know I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass about it.

Ugly is when it comes to personal preferences and who a person is attracted to highly subjective.

I firmly believe that (societal ideals aside) no matter what you look like someone is going to dig it.

I say that for several reasons.

I've seen lots of people partner up when they were not what mainstream society would say is attractive, some of them were total pricks, others awesome people with "flaws". You name it.

Also CG the other women you're thinking of who have some of the same qualities you do but as you think not all, you know behind closed doors they might be a hot mess.

This is what I've discovered about other people darling CG and you too BH.

When you see/meet them they might look like they are pretty awesome but, fact is that they might be not as awesome behind closed doors.

So I say believe that there is someone out there who is going to take one look at you, or talk to you one time and then look at you like you are Mother Fucking Christmas.

Is this easy?

No.

However you CG and you too BH have some awesome things going for you both.

You both know you are pretty fucking awesome. That is a huge start.

Next thing if you're ready to not be single or at least date more widen your search. I personally was not a huge fan of dating when I was single and didn't do a lot of it. If I'd had the internet you'd be damn skippy I'd have been doing a lot of OKCupid etc dating.

One of the things I've learned about relationships is that the things that you think would make them impossible for you (in my case my occasionally insane needs for absolute silence and solitude along with a host of other idiosyncrasies and crazy) turn out often to be the stuff that makes people love you and want you.

Weird but in my life I've found it to be true.

Truthfully I'm no expert in finding relationships. All of the good ones I've ever had (including the one I'm in with Uniballer right now)happened by accident and when I wasn't looking.

So the bulk of my advice is this.

Relax.

I really doubt that there is any combination of things about you CG or you BH (or any of my other homies) that is so awful that nobody is going to love you.

I also think that there's a chance that your biggest obstacle to finding that somebody to love on and snog might be yourself. Despite telling yourself that you are in fact mother fucking awesome, having that side track of well I'm really really fat and loud and weird so nobody is going to want me, that is not helping your cause.

For some people finding that other person seems to happen quickly and easily for others not so much and that's okay. No really it is.

I also think fuck rules and if you're ready go out and get yours. Be the awesome person you are and you will find the awesome person you want.

Now my homies the floor is yours. Do you have advice for BH (dude)and CG (lady)?

Tomorrow um..I'm not sure. We'll see what comes out of my brain.

Although I am doing an official essay store relaunch after New Years with some more essays and stuff.

And please PLEASE if you buy something make sure you go back to merchant to download your essay. I put that on the pages but a few people have missed it and it takes me awhile to get to check my email sometimes.

http://nudemuse.org/essaypage.html

Now I'm off to eat a wee bit more chocolate and plot having to get up early because of public transport fuckery.

Homo Out.a

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Oh why yes I did.

Okay um first of all.

I know I say it all the time but I fucking love you guys.

And welcome WELCOME. Lurkers, new homies. JennyRose welcome. I am so glad SO glad you have found some solidarity and comfort.

So B asked me the following questions that I am more than happy to answer.

I am finally ready to undergo my breast reduction and I had a few questions.

1. How long did it take you to recover from yours?

Being that I had mine a long time ago some of this has probably changed but, I was in the hospital for a few days, then they removed the drains from my incisions and I went home. I had (shit man don't you know I can't remember the technical term) keyhole shaped incisions and had about three weeks of initial downtime where I stayed home from school.

My big advice during your recovery is to take it slow. Don't go around lifting things right when you stop being sore because you could hurt yourself. Before surgery make sure stuff you want/need is on boob level. I think I was pretty much totally healed within 8 weeks or so with some residual soreness.

2. What size did you go from to where you are now? ( you may have answered this but I forgot)

Uh at the end just prior to getting surgery the very last bra I had was something like a 34 FF. Now looking at some bra size charts and knowing how small the last bra I wore was, I would say I probably got to be about an H cup or so.

Holy shit that is insane to think about.

3. Did you lose nipple sensation? If so, did it recover?

I did lose some sensation. I was so young though I didn't really realize it.

These days (like lots of other women who haven't had surgery) my sensation is okay. Usually one nipple is more sensitive than the other but overall I did not have a total loss of sensation and I think (this could be mind over matter) but I think, that the sensation did return.

Now questions you didn't ask but tips I have.

Questions to ask your doc:
Ask to see before and after pictures of other patients.
Also if you are prone to keloid type scarring make sure you talk about that as well.

Other stuff to consider with the breast reduction.
Make sure that as you're considering what size do keep in mind your body shape. I know it may be tempted to go really small and perky but do keep in mind your proportions.
Also, those scars are going to itch as they heal. You can talk about it with your doctor but I highly recommend Vitamin E oil or cocoa butter to help combat that.
Prior to having surgery get yourself some soft cup or wireless sports bra type things. Or if you prefer shelf bra camisoles. Just enough support to keep your sore new boobies from moving around too much. Nothing too tight though so as not to irritate your skin.

Also buy yourself some shirts. Have a supply of things that will fit you properly because it will be a good feeling.

Umm...I think that's all I've got in the way of the booby advice today.

What else?

OH before I totally forget new sexytimes advice probably Monday.

Also some followup to yesterdays entry but I can't brain anymore today.

And tomorrow, a summer fashion report and my official denunciation of pants.

So with that my darlings I'm out. I have a story to edit and try to cut down by about 400 words.

I love you my homies.

But wait, your homework for tonight is as follows.

Take a moment at some point, (yes we've done this before but this time there's a twist) look at yourself, give yourself a stern look and say I am fucking awesome. Who's awesome? I am awesome.

Rinse, repeat at least twice.

That's it.

Homo Out.

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Advice...but it's not sexytimes.

This weeks question comes from a homie we'll call Love.

This isn't exactly a question about sex. Maybe general relationships, but it's kind of a mess in my head. I really like your style of thinking and the straightforward advice that you've given others and I hope you can help me organize my thoughts a little bit, even if they aren't fully pertinent to your blog (which I totally love).

I started to type out my question, and it very quickly devolved into a history of my life. which I'm not sure would be fun reading. Basically, it comes down to the fact that I almost always feel like an outsider.

How can I tell what peoples' intentions are when I start relationships, romantic or otherwise? I worry that they just want a sassy, fat minority sidekick, or that they're dating me just for the stereotyped perceptions about everything from my race to my style of clothing. I never figure these things out until I've made way too much of an emotional investment and I end up getting seriously burned. And this happens a lot. What can I do

First of all I LOVE that you have asked this question Love and it is in fact pertinent. Cause I am made of the random and it's all pertinent.

Believe it or not Love I spent a large chunk of my life feeling just like you do. Right down to emotionally investing, getting burned, or left behind and it fucking sucks.

Now the truth is Love my darling you can't know at the outset unless you have some super psychic abilities, now assuming you don't have those here's what I've learned in my 32 years of life as a weird fat black chick.

The first thing I think you need to teach yourself (and I say this because I have a tendency to be very passionately invested in relationships with people) these things.

First of all even if you think you are going to have an amazing amount of stuff in common with someone, you might not and that is okay. It's not a reflection on who you are or who they are it just is.

Second, as I'm sure you know some people are just douchebags.

Third, tell yourself daily that you being who you are, just as you are weird clothes fat ass and whatever else is fucking awesome. I have homework for you right now (everyone else too) find a reflective surface you can see your own eyes in, look yourself in the eye and in your firmest most ass kicking voice say the following:

"I am mother fucking awesome."

Go do it. Right now I'll wait.

All back? Awesome.

Okay Love, one thing you can learn to do (and it's hard all of this is fucking hard and I know that) is be frank when your Spidey sense starts tingling. You are entirely within your rights to be protective of yourself and your feelings. It is perfectly all right to let people know if they say something that gives you that "oh fuck I'm the weirdy sidekick" to tell them that's not okay.

And some people can't deal with that. Some people are going to say, "but I didn't mean you" or things like, "but that's not what I meant". Regardless of the fact that someone might not mean to make you feel like the mysterious "other" it's what they did. Now awesome people will take that in and you and those people can work out together how they can not do that.

As for the people who will be butthurt and shitty about it, fuck em.

Next and I hate to say it but you have to teach yourself some caution. This part may be the most difficult thing but sometimes you have to (for your own good) slow your roll and take your time getting to know and love people. I know how heartbreaking it is when someone you care about so much just let's you down or does something that hurts you.

Um what else?

Back to the being upfront thing. No matter how you're meeting people you can say up front right away that there are things you will not put up with. And again some people cannot handle that. They will think you're a bossy weirdo but it is your life and your heart and you have the right to stand up for who and what you are.

Honestly I don't have more concrete advice. Looking back, I think I've learned the most by just going through these things. You get hurt, you cry, you wallow sometimes and you keep stepping which is the important thing to me. You get through it.

One of the ways I get through it (then and now) was learning when I just need to let it go. If someone really does not get me or worse the people who just want to know a weirdy such as myself, sometimes you just gotta let it roll off of your back and keep on trucking.

I have a hard time with that myself. I really want to stick it out and hope that the person gets it or figures it out or something but sometimes, it's just way better to walk away or put that person at a distance than to get hurt.

I too am a pretty sensitive person (Love darling I'm assuming this about you) and I have had to grow myself a pretty thick skin.

Also being an outsider ain't all that bad. I know it's our instinct as humans to have the driving need to fit in -somewhere- and I think there's that somewhere for all of us, the hard part is finding it.

And I have faith in you Love that you will find that place to run free and feral with other freaky folks. Now understand I use the term weirdy, freaky folks etc in pure love. I fully believe in the power of embracing your own strangeness and owning it.

OWN IT.

The other thing that comes to mind is that when you really start to believe that you in all your odd glory Love are Mother Fucking Awesome, you will project that and people will be less inclined to behave in shitty ways in your presence.

One of the best pieces of life advice I've ever gotten was from my Great Grandmother.

At the time I was upset and unsure, I wasn't specific with her but I felt so out of place and like my friendships with people weren't real and all that she told me,

"Fuck em if they can't take a joke."

And it's so true. And it's all a joke.

Ladies, Gents, bois and grrls your life on this planet is not permanent. And as much as we'd all like to believe we are big important shit, in the grand scheme of things we're all pretty small.

That is one of my core beliefs and that belief has in fact helped me through some really fucked up times.

I believe and own that my mortal life is a drop in the bucket as far as the universe goes.

With that in mind, understand Love that no matter what you know sets you apart from others, there -are- non douchy people who are your people.

You know what I'm saying?

Some of us find our people sooner rather than later. I found my people later. Keep searching, keep growing, you keep being your mother fucking awesome self.

Keep doing it because you are loved and valued.

Do it because you love and value yourself and have awesomeness to contribute to this bizarre drama we all call life.

Now for the rest of my homies. Let's talk. Do you feel like Love does? Have you felt like Love does but don't now? Share. Let's show Love, some love.

Damn dirty hippies unite! Homie awesome powers activate.

Okay I'm getting dorky and cheesy now. I overindulged in chocolate and now my eyeballs, they are vibrating. I'm going to eat some real food and have some liquids.

So remember my homies, I love you. You too haters and random intertubes visitors.

I will probably post something about fatshions tomorrow. I was cruising around and I found some POOR FOLKS DEALS Y'ALL.

I'm talking a good start of a summer fat girl wardrobe for under 20$ a piece. Things that I myself will be purchasing and will gladly show you for a dollar. Actually you totally don't have to give me a dollar.

Homo Out.

PS..that Damn dirty hippy line is from (I think)some Janeane Garofalo stand up.

Tags: annoyed fat girl, afrosphere, advice

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