Anon says.

Anon had this to say about yesterdays entry.

So when other people talk to you about the dangers of being fat, it's unwanted concern trolling.

But when you talk to others about the dangers of dieting, it's "hey why so offended? I'm just trying to be helpful!"

lol, hypocrite. Game, set, match.

Frankly Anon yes and no. There is the issue of approach. If I walk up to someone who I believe is on a diet and start screaming at them or berating them about possible issues with their dieting, I am being an asshole. If I am talking to someone I care for and express genuine concern in a manner that is not condescending or rude it is not concern trolling.

If someone comes to me with genuine concern (you see what I did there with the italics?) about what effect my weight may or may not have on my body I have no issues discussing it.

What I do take issue with is that my weight is somehow the sole signification of my health status.

What I take issue with is when so called concern is presented in a disingenuous manner as you were so kind to demonstrate.

You in particular Anon I would not take seriously or take any "concern" you displayed because of your manner. In essence you are either being deliberately obtuse because ZOMG FATTASS has something to say. Or you just don't get it and can't get around the whole issue of Fat.

I myself draw the line between concern trolling and genuine concern like this.

Let's have a pretend conversation:

Random Person: Hey you're fat you're gonna get diabetes.

Me: I am fat and do not have diabetes nor have I ever shown any signs of diabetes.

Random Person: But your FAT FATTY and you're GONNA GET IT CAUSE YOU'RE FAT!
~

That is trollish, that is not real concern. That is pushing an agenda on the basis of a single fact which really is generally not the way to have a productive dialogue about anything.

Scenerio 2.

Random Person: Hey you're fat you're gonna get diabetes.

Me: I am fat and do not have diabetes nor have I ever shown any signs of diabetes.

Random Person: Really? That's pretty awesome. I'm glad that you don't have diabetes or show signs of it.

~

Or..

Person: Hey you've gained some weight recently are you worried about high blood pressure? You know I'm on this diet and my BP has gone down and I've lost thirty five pounds.

Me: I have gained a little weight I fluctuate by about ten pounds and my BP is doing really well. I'm happy with my body and I don't really want to diet.

Person: But you can lose so much weight so fast on this diet it's great! You should do it.

Me: I don't really want to and rapid weight loss like that can be bad for your health. And I'd rather keep my weight stable than go up and down, in the long run that's not good either.

Person: Really? I didn't know that. That has to be better than diabetes and high blood pressure and...

~

Now that conversation if the person really wants to have a dialogue about fat or me being fat or dieting for that matter they will do those things that make for an effective conversation.

In my book trolling means that there is no interest on the part of said troll to engage in discourse.

The concern troll wants to say what they have to say and what has already been said, or even the person they are speaking to doesn't matter.

Concern trolling is often demonstrated when someone says things like, well HA I showed you.

Concern trolling is often evidenced by the pervasive and burning need to be right.

Concern trolling is when someone pretends to be an ally but in fact only wants to push their idea of what's going on.

In this context, that being fat is absolutely always bad for you no matter what. And wasn't that your point Anon?

Now not once have I advocated or indulged here in that kind of thing. If you read back I welcome divergent viewpoints BUT as I have said again and again, if you hit and run or say something dumb I am probably going to take your opinion less seriously.

Being that this is my litterbox and while I may be the Dowager Empress of All Fatassia, I can only speak for my own actions.


Will I listen to someone who is an avid dieter?

Yes I will. I will listen to that person and take in what they have to say.

I will consider what they have to say and how they say it.

I will practice mindfulness in how I speak to them.

I will be mindful that not everyone is coming from a place of accepting themselves or their bodies.

I will be mindful of the fact that not everyone has reached a point where they do not equate looks with health as I do.

I will if need be make sure that the person is aware of the following:

• I do not believe that Health is a virtue or a moral issue.


• I do not believe that everyone can, has to or wants to have the same level of health.


• I do not believe that appearance is the best indicator of individual health.


• I do not have the right and do not believe I should have the right to make health choices for other people via my vote or my public opinion.


• I do believe that it is a valuable thing to have an open dialgues about these issues because I fully believe that self acceptance can lead to a healthier and happier life.

And above all of those I have genuine care for other human beings.

I care about people who may be caught in a loop of self loathing because they buy into the hype about obesity and body image.

I care about people who need adequate health care and can't get it because of their weight.

I care about the future of children who are being taught to hate their bodies at younger and younger ages.

I care about the fact that there is so much misinformation it's not easy to be your own advocate.

I care about putting my flavor of love into the universe and doing things like this.

I care about the above because it matters to me how other people feel.

Now Anon if you really take issue with all that, this is where we should part ways.

I have no interest in faux concern, I have no interest in just LOL'ing and running.

To wrap it up.

I will give you this definition of concern trolling from Urban Dictionary:

concern troll

A person who lurks, then posts, on a site or blog, expressing concern for policies, comments, attitudes of others on the site. It is viewed as insincere, manipulative, condescending.

A concern troll commented, "You should be careful about what you write because you might get in trouble with the government." Another concern troll wrote, "This debate makes our side look disorganized."

Now, Anon or anyone else for that matter.

If you do catch me encouraging that behavior in any way whether it's towards people who diet, people like Meme Roth or anyone else feel free to LOL and call me a hypocrite.

Now if y'all will excuse me.

I'm going to do a little stretching and tea drinking.

Tomorrow, some sex advice for one of our homos and I'll finally explain my tag line.

Homo Out.

PS..

Let me give a shoutout to Daniel and our new homies from BBWNW. Make them welcome.

And remember please, for the love of fluffy bunnies my homies do not let me eat any more fucking dairy this week. If you are in Seatown and see yours truly about to nom on anything cheese related you have my full permission to smack that out of my hand.

Ow. My. Guts.

Okay now really homo out and I love you guys. You too Anon. Good try.

Stumble It!

A few words for non-fat people.

All too often there is a prevailing thought process in people who are not fat when they speak of or to fat people. Or even about fat people. For the record I'd like to give my home skillets who are not of the fat ass sort a few words of wisdom from the fat side of the force.

(Now I am going to use generalities here that are based on personal experience, talking to other fat people and 32 years of observation. Do remember, I'm not a stats thrower so if you want statistics do your own damn research.)

First thing.

Fat people are fully aware most of the time that they yes fat.

Yes there are people who are unaware for whatever reason as to the size of their body but a large percentage of us are fully aware.

That being what it is, you (as in the at large populace) do not need to stop and point, walk up to people and say ZOMG FATASS etc.

All that is is an excuse to be rude.

Here's the thing.

Bodies are not public property. My body is really none of your damn business. And if you feel perfectly within your rights to walk up to me on the street or where ever so you can declare for the world to hear (as if the world cannot see)that I am fat, I do hope that your philosophy goes both ways so I may then comment in turn. Honestly I probably wouldn't comment in turn out of spite but more out of a hope that you might find the taste of your own medicine bitter and gross.

The thing is nobody likes their body being examined and commented on by strangers. In American culture I fully believe that if we as human beings stop participating in that (and yes I mean even when it's gleefully full of schadenfreude) the impulse to have the media etc do it would lessen.

Next thing.

Maybe you have discovered the absolute fountain of thin. You have discovered that five servings of unicorn pee and never eating any white food is the miracle "cure" for having a body that does not conform to some arbitrary standard of visual health. Most fat people don't really want to hear about it. It's not that said fat person thinks you're a dick (though they might if you are behaving in a dickish manner) but, not everyone wants that.

For instance.

I had some friends who were on the Atkins diet and collectively lost a shit load of weight. When I expressed not only disinterest in playing but talked about some of the dangers of that diet and the dangers of losing a lot of weight that quickly they took it very personally. I was not attacking their personalities or choices. I did not all of a sudden think myself better than them in any way. I just offered a different viewpoint and it did not go over well.

That did not have to happen.

Simply because I personally have no interest in the latest greatest ass shrinking program does not mean that I will hate you or put you down if you are interested in said latest greatest ass shrinking program. I want you to make a fully informed decision that maybe includes more information than just OMG some celebrity lost eleventy dress sizes doing this.

I want you to know that most likely that person had things like professional trainers and chefs at their beck and call. That most likely that person was not doing whatever thing they are marketing and that whatever celebrity diet guru doesn't give a fuck about your health and just wants to make money. I want you to know that you're just fine and you don't have to torture yourself in order to be okay.

Moving along.

Fat people most of the time a.) don't care or need to hear whether or not you find them attractive unless they are trying to date you. If someone is walking along minding their own business there is no need for you to make sure they know that you do not think they are hot. That is yet another poor excuse to be rude and behave like you have no goddamn home training.

If you are doing this sort of thing whether on line or face to face, it boils down to two things in my mind. 1.) You have really terrible self esteem and upsetting other people makes you feel good and powerful. If that is the case I feel pity for you and genuine sadness. You really don't have to be that way to feel good. Really. 2.) You believe that for some reason you are the sole arbiter of who and what is awesome. Fact is you're not. No really you're not.

The thing about the entire concept of attractiveness is that it's highly subjective. Yes there are standard "ideals" of beauty but when it comes down to interpersonal relationships and yes the sex, no two people ever really want the same thing. Maybe you think one sort of person is the most pants tingling creature ever. Someone else looks at that person and says meh.

That is the facts.

Regardless of who you think is or isn't attractive, those people are going to continue doing their thing. They are going to go off and have some sex, they are going to go on dates, they are going to look at themselves like they are Mother Fucking Christmas and your opinion on the matter largely does not count.

More? Of course there's more.

Most fat folks if you are just some random person don't really care if you think what they are wearing is cute and/or appropriate. If you are not buying the clothes, wearing the clothes or otherwise involved with the clothes it's none of your business.

Next.

Even if you are family it is still inappropriate to hassle someone about their body. That means if you really care for someone badgering or belittling them is not okay. If you couch your harassment in pseudo-caring terms you are harming that person.

Let me repeat that so we get it.

If you are insulting, back hand complimenting, belittling, making fun of, poking fun at, even doing that passive aggressive not coming out and saying it thing, playing concerned for the persons health in a way that is little more than shame wrapped up in bullshit, you are hurting that person.

Ask any person who was a fat teenager with Moms especially who engaged in this kind of behavior, if you ask them honestly they were hurt. Some hurt so badly that their self esteem never recovers.

If you think you are acting out of love and you are only causing harm even if the person you are harming never says anything you think about it. If the person you are talking to this way tends to cower, if they get angry if they seem to just kind of start disappearing you need to know that you are responsible for that.

If you really care for and love your fat family member or loved one, you will not participate in their shaming. You will learn to support that person and help them build the self esteem so they want to care for themselves. You will not judge them because their body isn't the body you want. You will celebrate that person when they come out with high self esteem and a good sense of self.

That is part of your role.

And if you cannot bring yourself to do that for whatever reason at least have the decency to leave the person alone about their body.

Now what can you as a non fat person do?

The first thing is to look at your own biases and assumptions. Learn how to check yourself when you start buying all the bullshit.

Learn how to debunk your own ideas about fatness.

If you want to keep going read what fat people have to say. Or talk to fat people without judgment. Subscribe to any one of the fat feeds or fat blogs that's around there are a bunch.

If you're really revving to do something about the "Obesity Crises" start learning about what it's really about. Learn about who makes money in the industry of weightloss and dieting.

If you're science minded start reading some of the well debunked studies about obesity.

If you want to help yourself from a Fat Acceptance standpoint you don't have to be fat. Yep I'm saying it.

You do not have to be fat to learn about Health at Every size.

You do not have to be fat to stand up to prejudice and discrimination.

You do not have to be fat to decide not to indulge in body hate talk.

You do not have to be fat to call bullshit on things like fat taxes and when people spout disinformation about health care.

You do not have to be fat to when you hear someone say something that offends you say, "hey that is not cool."

I will say that doing any of these things when you personally don't have a stake in it (as in you are not a fat person) is hard.

But I believe that if you start on the path you'll find yourself feeling happier and healthier.

Fat acceptance in my book is not just about fat people but about people with bodies.

So that's all for today.

Ask me questions if you like.

Use my Ask Nudiemuse Form, use Formspring, or if you want to hang around for awhile, lurk until you're moved to say something.

And do be warned, if you say something jack assy to me you will get called on it anonymous or not. And I do not promise to be nice.

Go forth and be awesome my homies.

Homo Out.

Stumble It!

Stuff.

Just some randomness.

First thing is I may or may not be migrating to word press or something due to Blogger discontinuing to support FTP.

Not super soon because I have to run a backup which I can't do until my computer at home is fixed.

Next thing: I've been using the form spring. Find it here and ask me stuff.

Heather Corinna is doing a study on casual sex and you should go take it. Find it here.

Dirty man extraordinaire Twisted Monk posted this little tidbit the other day and I must admit it made me tingly. Non explicit and still some sexy words.

Uuum...what else?

OH go read this right now. No seriously go read it.

Now I just had the nicest little moment.

As you may or may not know I cannot braid my hair. I can do plaits but not cornrows and it's something that bugs me.

So I learned how to do flat twists.

Wait let me start further back.

I bought myself a fancy maxiglide flat iron for christmas because I would like to master the skill of flat ironing my hair now that it's getting longer. My hair is relaxed but I retained a lot of texture (on the hair forums we say texlaxed) and I've been wanting to learn to be a little more diverse with my hair.

Picture time.

When I don't straighten my hair in anyway usually it looks about like this when I take my hair down at night to detangle and moisturize.



My hair is highly multi textured everything from regular Black girl naps in spots to silky waves in spots.

I love it.

Now last weekend I flat ironed as I mentioned. it was my second time using my maxiglide and I used low heat and didn't get it super straight but I dig it.

This was my hair Monday night after I took my bun down.



Fluffy awesome.

So this week I've been wearing my usual buns and last night while I was playing with my hair. NO really for the first time in my life I cannot keep from touching my hair. It's so soft and healthy and fluffy. I love getting down to my scalp where my new growth is and exploring the textures.

I got my hair parted down the middle and gave myself two chunky imperfect flat twists.

A lovely coworker just said my hair looks really pretty and okay I admit I felt a little puffed up.

This is new to my thirties but for the first time in my adult life my love of my hair shows and I am very into it.

I will probably do a why this is important for this black lady post later but goddamn it it felt nice.

Also while on the way to work a lady I see now and then stopped to tell me that while I was standing in a sunny spot on the sidewalk my hair was glowing and it looked awesome.

That is the henna at work. In sunlight my hair is a mix of varigated browns, auburns and reds. My ONE beautiful white hair sparkles in the sun like a piece of copper.

Speaking of my one white hair.

My birthday is approaching and I have to say that aging so far is kinda fucking awesome.

I am excited about my white hairs. My pubes started going salt and pepper when I was about 24 so that's not as exciting since I am no longer in the business of showing people my pubes.

I FINALLY figured out how to take care of my extremely oily skin and for the first time in my life my skin isn't constantly broken out or irritated. This is a huge deal for me.

Granted I still get carded when I buy cigarettes or booze but I've learned to deal.

This is really random yes I know.

If my computer at home is fixed expect some squeeing because I am declaring it SKIRT TIME!!!!

Fuck pants.

Fuck wearing pants.

Fuck buying pants.

Fuck Pants.

I also just found out that you can create a Target wishlist on line did you guys know that?

That way I can make a list of the essentials that I need and love then purchase them.

In case you're curious about my Target loves you can see my list here. Questions? Do you have some of those items?

Feel free to ask me stuff. Comment about something on the list if it's crappy and you know it.

Um..yeah I'm losing steam.

My brain is in fiction writing and the liminal universe here is not holding my attention.

Also someone remind me next week to explain my sign off. It's a funny story.

Homo Out.

Stumble It!