Notes from the edge of hysteria.

I will not speak softly. I will not wrap my words in sugar and glitter to make them more palatable.

This is something I work at. I take time to remind myself that I don't have to tone down or soften up for the world. Yes, there are situations where firing with both barrels is ill advised and I've had to learn about that the hard way. But, the point is I know when I want to fight and I know when to keep my mouth shut.

And this feeling is one of the reasons why I do believe I love Grandpa Dinosaur.

Free speech is not free. It comes with the heavy weight of social responsibility and accountability.

Can I get an amen from the congregation?

Her entry actually tied in neatly with some things I've been thinking about lately.

Believe it or not your very own Miss RantyPants '08 (reigning queen) at one time rarely if ever opened up to call bullshit on people.

For a long time it was an issue of a very deep seated inferiority complex. I bought whole heartedly into the idea that in order to give an informed opinion or to be a person to calls bullshit and shenanigans, one should be traditionally well educated.

As a youngster I believed with all my wee heart that those people who had gone to college or were in college while I was working retail and saving my pennies for thriftstore expeditions, were better than me. I was still at the stage where the accepted idea of an educated person was just it for me.

I don't know what shifted, but over time I started to figure out (probably after hanging out with some really fucking stupid college kids) that I wasn't doing too badly in my quest to educate myself.

It dawned on me at some point that education does not always equate to wisdom or knowledge.

Fast forward a decade and here I am.

I am by nature a very studious person. Even as a child if I was interested in something I'd study it. After 31 years on the planet that hasn't changed.

So what am I studying these days?

A lot of Queer theory, Gender theory, Body politics, whatever else catches my fancy.

I am still not really impressed with a lot of the reading I've done on feminism, Blackness, religion etc. I am getting snobby in my old age about what fuckery I will put up with when it comes to my reading.

Frankly, it's hard going trying to get past the bullshit sometimes.

I think I've gone off point of my original idea here. At any rate, I have outgrown that inferiority complex I had about not being college educated.

These days I am far more difficult to impress.

Moving along.

I am going to be in LA later this months and have been having these weird stalkery thoughts.

I'd like to track down Jerry Stahl and share a nod of acknowledgement because we both get it, and maybe buy him a cup of tea and possibly sneak a hug.

If she was in town at the time I'd also like to find Lydia Lunch and tell her just thank you.

I also really want to grab Clint Catalyst's ass. I know that's not a proper method of meeting people you are kind of into in a literary I think you're cool way but, I do. I wouldn't pinch him, just a little grabby grab.

I Know it's totally inappropriate and weird I can't help myself.

I also would like to hug/ass grab Forrest Black and Amelia G. And there would probably be some boobies involved.

Also on the hugging/thanking list. Justice Howard. I fucking love her photography and have for years. She's also very nice. I would also give my left tit to do one of her Diva Dolls photoshoots. You people just don't know how much I love her work. And oh YAY she has a blog now. AWESOME. (Yes I absolutely subscribed).

I wish Retail Slut was still around. I remember getting the little catalogs in the mail when I was in high school. I would get so excited. And when I actually had a little money to order a few really cheap things I was SO happy. I rocked my Retail Slut stickers so hard it's just not even funny.

I'd like to get to Bar Sinister but don't think I will have time or patience nor wardrobe.

I think I'm spent. I have some thoughts about sex work. As in a return to a little sex work.

Also word on the home front from Uniballer if I film it, he will edit it, and to youtube it will go. So I am going to make a run at doing a little something something this weekend.

So that's all.

Homo Out.

Oh wait.

I totally forgot to share pictures of the candy make up. Here are two.

I am Fierce.

Click for the big versions.

Tags: annoyed fat girl

Stumble It!

LipGloss Subversive.

In reference to the title, if I ever have an actual legit beauty column I will probably want to call it that.

This isn't all about beauty.

First of all let's set our terms so there is no mistake as to where I am coming from today.

sub·ver·sive /səbˈvɜrsɪv/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[suhb-vur-siv] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective
1. Also, sub·ver·sion·ar·y Audio Help /səbˈvɜrʒəˌnɛri, -ʃə-/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[suhb-vur-zhuh-ner-ee, -shuh-] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation. tending to subvert or advocating subversion, esp. in an attempt to overthrow or cause the destruction of an established or legally constituted government.
–noun
2. a person who adopts subversive principles or policies.

This is what dictionary.com says Subversive means. Yes the capital letter is fully intended stay with me.

Now first I want to talk about what is in my little slice of the universe subversive. Being that I am not overthrowing the government yet, I am a person who adops subversive principles or policies.

Lots of them.

I believe that the biggest and the one that has the biggest impact is that in this day and age in America I love myself. I love my jiggly, black, fat ass. I love my big meaty throbbing brains. I love that I have at long last, finally decided that up with this fuckery I will not put, and I do my own thing.

I have released my need to cling to philosophies and labels (even when they hurt me), I have consciously and deliberately rejected the expectations of other people.

This makes me among the most dangerous mother fuckers walking.

I am a patriot. I am a goddamn good patriot because I love my country enough to question it, and criticize it because I want it to be a better place for me, my friends, my lovers and my enemies.

I am dangerous because I will not blithely and blindly accept what the established coroporate whores feed me.

I will not accept it and I am not afraid to say I will not accept it.

Up with this fuckery I will not fucking put.

I am dangerous because I am Black, I am a Woman, I am Queer, I am Smart, I am NOT AFRAID.

Let me repeat that last part, I AM NOT AFRAID.

I am not afraid to tell contemporary feminist to fuck right the fuck off and to stay out of my make up case, out of my fucking pants. I am not afraid to not be sorry for your discomfort when I or other people of color call bullshit and double fucking shenanigans. I am not afraid to remind you to listen to your friends.

I am not afraid to give the ruling class the finger and turn my back.

It is dangerous to the status quo of any given group, to have amongst it's ranks or coming in from the outside a person who has no issue making up their own mind and meaning it.

Danger.

DANGER.

I will not allow anyone's agenda to turn my world on it's head.

Are we clear?

Good.

Now off come the RantyPants and I will do the Tuesday TMI.

1. When was the last time someone hit on you? What went down? The last person to seriously hit on me was a very hot ass, black and blue haired butch. She offered to buy me a cupcake, I declined since I was running to work. However if I was single and looking, I would probably have been naked on her couch within three days. No seriously.

2. If you were single and could be with any one person, who would it be (thinking singer/actor or someone famous here, but whatever)? Uh I don't know. I hate these questions. Why isn't it ever what's your ultimate super fantasy poly relationship?

3. Have you ever had done anything sexual in your office or your place of employment? Uh...maybe.

4. Do you apologize when you make a mistake? How do you react when someone calls you out? If I have made a mistake generally I am comfortable apologizing and owning it. It really depends on how someone approaches me as to how I react. If someone is being an asshole about something my reaction is going to be less favorable than if they are reasonable or at least polite.

5. Top or bottom? Both. It really depends on my mood.

Bonus (as in optional): Bonus: How old were you when you first had a willing sexual experience? Does masturbating count? I got down with myself as a kid often and in a variety of creative ways.

What else?

Ah yes beauty.

Today's look is a doozy.

I'll post pics tomorrow but my inspiration was seriously candy. Bright tasty makes your mouth water and gives you a visual happy candy. I recently got a super deal on a 36 color Starry palette. Of course I can't find a picture of it on the intertubes but I got a SUPER deal and I tried out one of the shadows in it.

The only thing I am really missing is the perfect pink gloss for this kind of look. My lips are really pigmented (brown) and finding that illusive perfect sparkly candy pink has been difficult.

Also, still don't care if "real" feminists think my love of make up is a bad thing. Don't care.

The way I look at it what is a more feminist ideal than a woman who enjoys her own skin? So yeah.

I will probably at some point do a tutorial for my make up loving homies of color (yes you brown folks) on how to get super bright BLAM shadow. I am color obsessed and it took me quite awhile to figure out a technique to get color that is LOUD LOUD LOUD.

There is some stuff you need to do to get this and I will show you it.

Also can I just express more love for Aromaleigh right now? They are awesome for my fix of candy raver worthy brights. Srsly.

I also have an idea to do some Fatshionista outfit videos. Would that be cool or way too nerdy?

Mostly things like instant gothification of your wardrobe. (Yes I absolutely just made that word up). Like you're not really into the whole goth thing but your friends invited you to goth night and you wanna look cute.

Hopefully Uniballer and I will figure out a way to do this in the near future. I am still not that great with my camera but I'm working on it.

I think that's all.

No wait, Happy Late Birfday Davitta. I hope you got poutine and cupcakes.

Now really that's it. I am rocking out to Faith No More, and admiring my fabulous but slightly smeared for some reason dark purple.

Tags: annoyed fat girl

Stumble It!

For my Pleasure.

No not talking about touching myself for once.

I have learned in the last say six years of my life that quite often the actual, real reasons and motivations for some of my beliefs and habits really pisses some people off.

Specifically the fact that a lot of the things I feel passionate about, a lot of my reasons for presenting myself to the world the way I do are all rooted deeply in one thing.

I like it.

What I've learned about the phenomennon of anger that can greet my declarations of glee, is that a lot of people don't share this slightly hedonistic approach. And quite often, people want to have the power to sway you to whatever side they are on. Or they want the drama of disagreement. And when you deny people that, often the first reaction is indignation.

Things like:
"But why do you really like (insert thing here)?"
"Well maybe you just don't know (insert instruction here)"

See what I'm saying?

There can also be much consternation and ire directed at me when I accept someone's differing opinion but, can't be arsed to argue. I have no problem saying, "I don't agree." and leaving it at that.

I'm talking about this because of a recent discussion with a "friend".

She has started keeping up with my blog and takes serious pleasure from pointing out what she decides are hypocrisies.

However, generally speaking what she points out are things that she wouldn't do or say not that I am saying something in direct opposition to what I've already said.

For instance:
I think most beauty standards are bullshit.
However, I am a make up loving, fancy dress wearing, high heel coveting fat femme.

She thinks this is hypocritcal of me.

I don't.

Make up, fancy dresses and other assorted sparkly things make me happy. I enjoy them. I am pleased when I manage to create some new crazy look for myself.

The important thing here is that, I am not seeking the approval or acceptance of the people who support the beauty standards. Because I don't really care who likes, doesn't like, hates what I'm doing.

No really.

Don't like my clothes/hair/make up/earrings/piercings/ink/ass great. Fantastic. That has no bearing whatever on what is going on in my head.

I've fought for this kind of freedom for myself for my entire life and fuck you I'm going to enjoy it.

I also try very hard to extend the same courtesy to other people.

If you want to spend your weekends with a feather duster up your ass, wearing chaps a pink sequined cowboy hat and singing Golden Oldies while your friends jerk off and watch. Feel free. Matter of fact I hope you are really enjoying yourself even though I do not approve of pink sequined cowboy hats.

So let's call this a getting to know your hostess moment.

This is the place I am coming from. So the main point here is don't call me on your bullshit.

To steal a phrase from Grandpa Dinosaur and Davitta Cuittita up with this fuckery I will not put.

Moving on.

I really want to write about Del Martin's passing but found I can't. Mainly frankly because other than sadness I can't really epxress how I feel in a way that doesn't feel incomplete. So we'll suffice it to day, goodbye.

I have some things to say about the fuckery going on in Alabama.

A quick google search will net you a fuckton of links about what is wrong with the BMI.

Now the way my brain operates this is where I go. Come with me.

If we're going to start charging people extra for potential problems I have a list of people who should be included if we're going by things like BMI:

Anyone with a BMI under 18. People who are underweight are at risk for the following according to WA state:
· Anemia and Nutrient Deficiencies
· Bone loss and osteoporosis
· Heart irregularities and blood vessel diseases
· Amenorrhea (loss of periods for women)
· Increased vulnerability to infection and disease
· Delayed wound healing
· Lethargy – no energy
· Depression
· Loss of muscle bulk
· Loose, elastic skin

From some other sources:

The Mayo Clinic said in 06 (I lost the damn link) that being underweight can in increase your risk of developing:
IBS, celiac disease, cancer, female infertility.

Also in doing some research if you are underweight if you have of develop a condition that requires more for your body, your body might not be able to provide it.

Expensive.

Also on the list of people (if we're doing this thing) who should get charged extra. People who drive. If you drive there is a chance you don't get as much exercise as someone who doesn't drive. Also, you drive and you probably have auto insurance but, you also risk being injured so you should pay more too.

People who are habitual assholes. Because they run the risk of aggravating other people to the point of needing therapy and thus they are the root cause of that cost.

You see I think this is fucking absurd.

I think this whole idea to legislate, charge or otherwise penalize people for arbitrary reasons is fucking ricockulous to use one of my favorite words from LoveLine back in the day.

The medical industrial machine is fucking broken and sucking down fuel like crazy. If it was a car someone should have driven it out into a field and shot it with a shotgun.

This fee is not about any faux concern for the health and well being of fat people.

It's naked ugly greed.

To quote Jay (if you get it, you get it if not google it)

"All you motherfucks are gonna pay."

In order to keep some bit of my sanity in regards to this sort of thing, I really have a foster a belief in what goes around comes around. I would really like to see this greedy nut fuck behaviour come right back and bite em in the ass.

The them in this case being the lobbyists, legislators, and the people making truckloads of money off of this bullshit.

To end on a less angry note.

I am wearing Yemaya BPAL today and it smells divine. I get this spicy sweetness from it that I just freaking love. I have a few imps from the Excolo there and among them my favorites are Anubis, Santa Muerte (which smells like sex on me), XIUHTECUHTLI (I had to cut and paste that I can't spell it but it smells good). I have Bast and Hecate too. Bast smells like straight up ass on me and Hecate doesn't fare much better.

I am not really good at the in depth kind of scent reviews but I know what I like. I like dark slightly masculine scents on myself. I like musky honey notes, a sploosh of vanilla but not too much. I also love single note things. I have a wee tiny bit of an Attar of Rose I have had for years that is magnificent. I also on occasion wear a single note lilac that is delicious.

I don't like foody scents so much. Except when they are mixed in interesting ways.

Um yeah I'm spent.

So tomorrow Fluff, hopefully some photos if I remember to take and upload them.

Also I will post about a weird conundrum I am facing with shoes and panties.
Homo Out.

Stumble It!